In this fun new feature, we take you inside the minds of your favourite archetypes to help you out of that sticky situation, into that heroine’s leotard, or just be the best/worst you can be!
The opinions presented here do not necessarily reflect those held by ReVo, ReVolutionary Theory, or your editors. All letters were submitted by our reader base and appear as written with only minor corrections for grammar or flow.
Dear Supernatural Entity,
I’m currently dating an elder vampire. I know that my dad or siblings would not approve. They might in fact smite me. On one hand, I think they no longer have the right to disapprove as they’ve all turned their backs on me lifetimes ago, casting me out of our home and denying me my inheritance, but on the other, I still secretly strive to not disappoint my father.
I fear I’ve fallen farther and deeper than I could ever imagine. What should I do?
Signed,
Fallen for the wrong guy
Dear Fallen for the Wrong Guy,
Personally, I am not really sure that you’ve fallen for the wrong guy. You know, us elder vampires are actually quite the going thing right now, so I hear. I can understand the secret striving to earn your father’s approval. I went through that phase, too. I say you have your “guy” take the brothers hunting, no silver need apply. Perhaps offer them those silly Halloween vampire teeth so the brothers fit in.
As for the father, well, I do find that a good torture session loosens things up so that guys can be guys and just…talk.
Sincerely,
Angelo “Rio” Contarini
Dear Superhero,
Hi,
I just recently arrived in this reality and I just saw my grandfather making out with someone who looks like his grandmother. Should I say something? I mean, with the mechanics of reality travel, they might not be the same people, but they did call each other by the same name…
Sincerly,
Horrified in New York
Hello, Horrified in New York,
Temporal Paradox, as it is called, can be a slippery slope. Perhaps your one parent is the result of inbreeding? That should always be a possibility. Then there is the factor of blood to consider – is grandfather’s grandmother actually a blood relation or is she a step-grandmother? These small pieces of information are important, but let us say for the sake of argument that it is not the case. Let us fathom for a moment that your grandfather is indeed sexually involved with his grandmother. A few things to consider: One, perhaps the timeline will simply work itself out? Time has a way of healing herself, all distillations included. Second, if you do intervene, perhaps the events which lead to your grandfather’s grandmother meeting the right man who will give her a child which will become the father/mother of your grandfather and thus bring him into this world so he can sire the one who will bring you into this world will not occur. You could cause a temporal collapse. These things are dangerous, a temporal collapse or… At best, incursion can result in an endless loop. This means that your time would cancel itself out but you would be stuck here in this present day. Which brings me to three, what are you doing back in time anyway? So I’ll tell you what, sit tight and don’t touch the baby or else the Reapers will come, because when Time is damaged, Reapers always want to sterilize the wound and that would be bad! So just chill and look for the blue box, that will solve everything!
I hope this helps,
Madman with a Box
Dear Supernatural Entity,
So I was out walking and this thing bit me. I don’t know what it was but now I’ve got this strange craving for cheese and difficult puzzles. Is this something I should go see the doctor about or should I just keep turning right in this hedge maze?
CheezLuver36
Well, hello, CheezLuver36,
I have to say, it sounds like you are just all kinds of screwed. The craving for cheese and difficult puzzles are one thing; yet, it sounds like maybe you are just stuck in a rat race for the ultimate prize. I would continue running the hedge maze and see where and if you could win. This could be something you would love to do yourself. After you find the end, then maybe I would see a doctor! Or you could come find me and I could just, well, fuck it! I’ll just show you what it means to be a Cheez Lover.
Sincerely,
The Alpha
Dear Superbeing,
This is addressed to anyone who can help me. I’m a mutant who has met someone who has caught his eye. The problem is, she’s on the side which opposes my employer. I’m supposed to call him “master”, but I ain’t into that side of the fence, so I don’t care how ancient he is, he can suck a bag o’dicks! Although she’d look pretty damn sexy on a horse. Anyway, we fought the other night and she kicked my ass. Now naturally I’d just rape and take what I want but this ninja bitch seems kind of special. So the question is, how do I get her attention and let her know I’m interested in her outside of having my “employer” break her will and mold her to his nefarious schemes. Is there any hope for a long lasting relationship beyond the apocalypse to come?
Also, I want to kill my father and skewer his head on a stick! I mean, I just want to lop it off and slam it down on a nice sharp pike along with that pale reflection he considers a daughter. Was that too much? I’m sorry, that was wrong, my employer says that they too are important to what’s to come, so I just had to vent, but yeah back to the sexy hawt ninja.
Any words of advice?
Sincerely,
A super villain henchman
Dear Super Villain Henchman,
To save you a headache – and myself – I will ignore your comments about raping and taking – which you shouldn’t do. That’s bad! Very bad!
What I will address is this: If you find her attractive and special and have an interest – why don’t you try and connect with her? Even if you are on opposing sides of the good/bad, there is a blurred line. How do you know her line isn’t equally blurred? Try not battling her or attempting to kill her. We aren’t in Elementry School anymore, and you dont need to hit a girl and tell her you like her. Matter of fact, women today much prefer a strong, blunt man to a whimpering in the shadows type.
As for your father? I get it. We all have parent issues – some worse then others. With him – I highly recommend you try to talk to him without violence. Sometimes a battle happens and it’s ok, as long as you talk afterward. One thing I have learned from coming here is you need to talk things out – mortals are weird this way. Where I come from, we battle. Not to the death – life is too precious to actually kill – but to see who would win in the end. I suggest the same.
Take my words of advice, and good luck to you. I hope you can work things out with your ninja-lady and father.
Warrior Princess
Dear Spaceman,
What really happens when you’re exposed to the vacumn of space?
Curious on Mars
Hey, hey, wait, wait, what, so only men can go into space? No, no, no, no, let me set you straight right there –
Sorry, sorry, Pilot said, said I’m getting carried away again and you’re a primitive species who doesn’t know any better. Anyway – what happens in the, the vacuum depends on what species you are, yeah? Like, like a Luxan, they can survive the vacuum for a quarter of an arn. But the rest of you? Yeah, you’re – you’re frelled! I saw a guy working on a command carrier hull get sucked off when a prowler flew in too close during docking, and his suit got caught on the metal and ripped, and he was, he was a mess! He was twitching and turning blue and trying to scream, and it was – you don’t, you don’t even want to know! They brought what was left of him back on board, and it was just like this blob of, of exploded organs and bits of frozen eyes and boiling blood. So, yeah! You don’t, you don’t want to go that way. You gotta be careful if you’re hanging around out there!
The Grey Girl
Want to see your letter here? Check out the ReVolutionary Theory forums for more information!