Tag Archives: awakening

The Awakening: Coping With Chronic Illness

By Halcyon

Life is hard. From the moment we open our infant eyes to the blinding white of a delivery room until we follow that light to places unknown, it seems there’s always something trying to stand in our way. There are days when all you want to do is give in, let it take over, and be swept away to anywhere but here. In her new series The Awakening, Halcyon hopes that giving us a lifeline will help us find our way back.

The Awakening Series: Coping with Chronic Illness

Acceptance doesn’t mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there’s got to be a way through it. (Michael J. Fox)

In this installment of my Awakening series, we are going to search for ways of being present in the face of adversity, whether it is chronic or terminal illness, or just the struggles we encounter in our day to day lives. Being present in life is not easy, and most of us coast through it without truly being there and without truly being aware of what a gift it is to have this life at all.

During the first part of this series, I was struggling without a clear diagnosis. Though I knew it lay in part to structural issues resulting from many years of wear and tear from competitive gymnastics and running, after eighteen months with no definitive answers and many treatment attempts, for the most, it just became long-term, chronic pain.

In the time in-between diagnoses, you flounder. There is an enormity of emotional suffering compounded by shame. People do not understand the nature of chronic illness – regardless if it is one that has more scientific data behind it, like multiple sclerosis, or something like fibromyalgia, that seems to be shrouded in mystery and confusion. I think I am lucky because one thing that has helped me to be an advocate for myself and others has been my inherent curiosity and scientific mind. When I got my diagnosis of fibromyalgia (along with a pending diagnosis of rheumatoid arthritis) I researched everything (and still do) and connected with various fibromyalgia communities.

What I found is a vast sea of helplessness and hopelessness, and one not limited to this community. Across the board of chronic illness, for which many of us do not look as though we are ill, there seems to be a questioning of whether or not we are genuinely ill, or are just lazy hypochondriacs seeking attention. It is also not a sentiment solely regarded by the average citizen, friend or colleague, but one rampant in the medical community, as well. My own experiences until finding my current doctor were along the lines of, “Fibromyalgia is a bullshit diagnosis,” or, “Just exercise and lose some weight and you will feel better,” and a pain management doctor who treated me like I was a drug seeker, humiliating me in front of the daughter who had come with me.

I think it’s very easy to become sucked into the vortex of self-pity, with equal helpings of self-loathing and shame, and a sprinkling of lamentation for the situation you find yourself in on top. Even before a solid diagnosis, you know your life has changed in a very un-alterable way. In the beginning, you cling to the hope that treatment will help, and that these people who have devoted themselves to school and study about the human body and diseases, will be able to come up with a plan that works for you. But after months of exhausting every option, while trying to remain positive, you are suddenly confronted with a grim sort of reckoning about the situation, and the reality sets in at last. We settle for management of our pain and hope that it will afford us some vague recollection of our pre-diagnosis self, when in fact we inherently understand, and perhaps even accept on some molecular level, that who we once were is gone.

Though I have never faced terminal illness myself, I have friends who have, and there is a similar path. In the end, you need to come to some sort of acceptance. From there, you can begin a process of self-healing and being present in your life for whatever amount you have left. This is where I believe self-compassion and mindfulness come into play.

Mindfulness is a practice that helps you to stay in the present moment. It is often described as becoming aware of that present moment experience in a way that is free from judgmental thoughts and personal preferences. There is a clear difference between the quality of awareness brought forth by mindfulness and the awareness one might otherwise have in day-to-day life. Sadly, we are not often very mindful in our everyday lives, and our awareness becomes reactive to those thoughts and preferences, which takes away from the present moment.

The best way to stay in the moment is to re-engage with the body:

* It is your body, not your thoughts, judgments, or beliefs, that stays in the present moment.
* Re-engaging with the body also includes enaging the senses: Touch, taste, sight, sound, and smell. Through this re-engaging, you learn you have a choice where you place your attention, and it should bring with it a measure of peace and stability.
* While acknowledged, those questioning thoughts, feelings of self-loathing, or berating yourself, are understood not to be reality.
* You learn to create a buffer between those thoughts and your mind, keeping them at a distance.
* Those thoughts and ideas no longer absorb your attention.

The practice of self-compassion is a way of being in which you maintain a balanced, non-judgmental awareness of difficult experiences and maintain a desire to alleviate those difficulties, while recognizing it is a perfectly normal part of being human to experience difficulties in life. This requires a deep understanding of mindfulness, the ability to balance mindfulness with self-kindness (rather than self-judgment), and effort put into refraining from isolation.

Self-kindness is a practice that can seem strange at first. It is literally relating to oneself with an attitude of kindness and regarding oneself with gentleness, patience, and reassurance. An effort is made to change the tone of your inner voice to something soft and embracing.

* Use phrases like, “It’s ok,” and, “Don’t worry.” It is often recognized through this practice that there is an obvious lack of self-kindness and that when it is offered, it is conditional. Many times, it is only offered when you are able to achieve certain tasks that you feel are important. (Example: “I’ll lay down and rest or take a nap once I get X amount of chores done today,” or, “I’ll feel really good about myself when I get that project done by a certain time.”) When you do this, what you are actually doing is saying that you do not deserve kindness without conditions, and when you do not meet the goal set it propagates feelings of worthlessness.
* Offer yourself unconditional kindness. You will be more relaxed, your head will be clearer, and you will find you are kinder to others as well.
* Regular practice will make it easier. You cannot undo a lifetime of behavior in a few sessions. Do not be discouraged. Try using this mantra often, especially when you get discouraged: “Don’t worry, this is hard, but you’ll be okay.” You may still self-blame and criticize, but it will get better, and eventually, will be replaced by better habits.

Self-isolation happens when you devalue yourself and self-criticize so often that you forget you are not alone in the universe. Through these practices, there will be an eventual awakening of your spirit. It will bring with it an understanding that no matter how alone you feel, going through whatever situation or illness has presented itself, that everyone, everywhere, is going through something. Life is often a battle filled with hardships that are not written across our flesh for others to see. but instead written in our soul. By engaging with people, listening to others, and empathizing, you begin to see that although everyone’s battle is different, we are all faced with difficult emotions, we all judge ourselves, and we all experience feelings like shame, anxiety, anger, and depression.

The action of being present and mindful in our lives and those we care about is a lifetime process. You don’t exercise these ideas and tips for one week and then call it done, believing that somehow you are now mindful and present and don’t have to work on it. It is a state of being that requires work, and that you will sometimes fail at, but keep trying. The benefits of being mindful and present are known to have effects on all aspects of our lives, even our health. When you look inward and re-engage with the body, and simply honor the fact that you are in pain, without any self-judgment or self-loathing for it, the body relaxes.

The National Institute of Health [NIH] has many articles on mindfulness-based stress reduction as a way to help those who are chronically ill, but you certainly don’t need to be chronically ill to begin practicing it.

The Awakening: Being Here

By Halcyon

Life is hard. From the moment we open our infant eyes to the blinding white of a delivery room until we follow that light to places unknown, it seems there’s always something trying to stand in our way. There are days when all you want to do is give in, let it take over, and be swept away to anywhere but here. In her new series The Awakening, Halcyon hopes that giving us a lifeline will help us find our way back.

The Awakening: Being Here (Part II)

If we move too fast, we’ll break things. If we move too slow, we’ll miss things. And if we don’t move at all, we won’t see things for how beautiful they truly are. (R.M. Drake)

There are a lot of things I think about when I hear the expressions of “Being Here” or “Being Present.” We live in a society that is always on the go. We are bombarded with information 24/7. Facebook, Tumblr, Instagram, and Twitter, plus countless other social media platforms, have made it uniquely possible to keep in touch with friends and family. They also suck us into a vortex where we’re at once both intimately personal and impersonal with the people who we follow or who we allow to follow us.

On any given day that I choose to visit one of these platforms, I can be assured of three things. The first: I will probably laugh at some funny meme one of my friends has posted. We all have, right? There’s some pretty hysterical stuff out there. The second: Someone will probably post something that will make me emotional. It’s not hard to do, really. I am an emotional sort of person, and a Folgers Christmas commercial could make me reach for Kleenex. The third: Unavoidably, someone will post something that will get me hopping mad. Emotional, remember? And not just the sappy type of emotion. And despite this roller coaster of emotion, we go back to it. Not just back, either – we fully immerse ourselves, until we could be sitting at the dinner table with our family while scrolling through Facebook. And even if you aren’t doing it, chances are someone else in the family is. I’ve been out to dinner and witnessed entire families sitting in a restaurant, scrolling through their phone. Maybe it’s not Facebook, but something else – mail, Pinterest, whatever.

These sites are not inherently wrong either. I am always on Tumblr or Pinterest, getting absorbed. But I think it is important to know when to say when.

Being here is nothing new. I think Oprah used to talk about “being present” when she had her show. I never watched it much, but I could hear a few episodes where “being present” was discussed, and I just shrugged it off, thinking, “I am here every day!” But the reality is that as we progress, and as we are being continually bombarded with news, media, and different facets of technology, we never truly are present in our lives. I can say from experience that our family of six only truly enjoyed dinner together as a family when the kids were growing up, and then gaming during the weekends (we play D&D.) But it started that dinner shifted to the living room, where everyone would bring their plates in order to watch television or play video games. I would be online, floating through Pinterest or Tumblr, and we rarely said a word. When someone was talking, an hour or two later my husband would ask about things that were already discussed, and I’d get irritated because he hadn’t heard. I won’t and can’t blame on just him – we were all at fault in our own ways, courtesy of our own distractions.

I’ve managed to change some things, but not everything. I think in time I will be able to – hopefully before the kids finally get out on their own. I am hoping that some of these ideas might help you and your family to be present, too.

Tips to Reconnect

• Disconnect to Reconnect: You don’t have to make any sweeping changes. If you have kids, you are painfully aware at how important the online world is to kids (and even ourselves). Talk with the family. Have a meeting about your desire to reconnect with them, or maybe start off with just dinner, like we did. While you are seated and eating, there are no phones. That means they are not visible or even on the person. You can tailor this to the needs of your family. If a spouse has to be on call but is there for dinner, just have them put it nearby, so they can still hear it. Thirty minutes to an hour is all you need. Talk to one another, find out about the day’s events. You will really be surprised at what kids will divulge over a plate of spaghetti.

• Redefine Multitasking: It may seem that this tip is one that will only serve to make things more difficult for you, but trust me, it’s not. We live in a world where multitasking is a skill that is encouraged and honed, but it is one that will only serve to distract us from what is really important, and that is being present. Instead of thinking of how to accomplish four things at once, stop and think about this single moment. There are situations that make not multitasking difficult, given expectations of work or school, but you need to step back and assess. Scheduling your day is a great way to figure out exactly when you will no longer have to be multitasking. If you limit the time that you multitask to only when working, when you get home, your brain will naturally start to relax. And then in reverse, when you go to work, your body will know it’s time to get things done.

• Be Conscious: When you set out to do anything you have planned, be it work, errands and chores, or relaxing at home, make an effort to focus wholly on what it is you are doing. Not only will this make completing these tasks easier, but you’ll also be more efficient. Being present is about slowing down and being deliberate and focused. It’s not easy, especially when you are accustomed to doing fifteen things at once. I often joke that my brain is like having five thousand tabs open. Twenty-five are not responding, three radio stations are going on in the background, and there’s a hamster doing back flips on YouTube that has me entranced. But you can do it! Maybe not all the time, maybe imperfectly, but the benefit is slowing down and making an effort to see what is going on around you.

Don’t get discouraged! I’m a huge advocate of slow and steady wins the race! Start small, take a pause in your daily life, and listen to what is going on around you. I’ll be giving you more tips as we continue, and also giving you some of the benefits of being present.

The Awakening: Being Here

By Halcyon

Life is hard. From the moment we open our infant eyes to the blinding white of a delivery room until we follow that light to places unknown, it seems there’s always something trying to stand in our way. There are days when all you want to do is give in, let it take over, and be swept away to anywhere but here. In her new series The Awakening, Halcyon hopes that giving us a lifeline will help us find our way back.

The Awakening: Being Here

One small crack doesn’t mean that you are broken. It means that you were put to the test and you did not fall apart. (Linda Poindexter)

This new series was originally intended to be something else entirely – and while I may incorporate some of what I’d planned to, it will only be those thoughts that I think pertain to this.

So what is “this” about, you might be wondering? What exactly does “Being Here” mean? Before I reveal that, let me tell you a little about how I got here and why the sudden shift to a different article. Simply enough, I got sick. Not a cold or flu, and not anything life threatening like cancer. In fact, as I write this, I am still not certain what is going on. For lack of a concrete diagnosis I am going to use “chronic pain”, as it’s been three years now. I’ve steadily worked my way up the narcotic ladder with no real change in how I feel. I am no longer working at a physical job, but doing mainly freelance as I try to ascertain my situation and how I might be able to earn money writing.

With that in mind, let me explain this series. “The Awakening” is a journey toward “Being Here,” which essentially means, being present. I’ve been lucky enough to have known, and still know, some pretty amazing people who have been confronted with major illness and obstacles, who still manage to be present in their life and walk through the difficulties with joy, a smile, and a capacity to view these obstacles as an adventure. This series will be as much a learning process for me as it will be for you, because I have struggled with this “chronic pain”, and I am not ashamed to say that I have felt a healthy amount of self-pity and anger over it. My life has changed dramatically in the last three years, and it’s a struggle trying to see the positive and maintain a joyful outlook on life when I am weighed down by pain so much of the time.

I believe that positive thinking can help in many aspects of our lives. As someone who also struggles with mental illness, and who’s chosen to be off meds for about three years, I work hard on keeping perspective and balance in my life, but I have found that chronic pain cuts through my defenses and my perspective in ways that I was not prepared for. It’s even left me thinking that I might have to reconsider my choice on being medication free, but I truly feel that the cessation of my medication was one of the best decisions I have ever made.

My epiphany about this article came as I scrolling through Facebook and a former co-worker tagged me in a meme about JOY. My co-worker, Lisa, is a cancer survivor. I say that in a less definite way than some, because Lisa is still going through chemotherapy – she was diagnosed with cancer, for the fifth time, fifteen months ago. It had started as breast cancer, but spread and has now progressed to bones and liver – but she is still here. I got her a bangle bracelet that says “F#ck Cancer” because that is her mantra. In working with her for five years, I watched her battle cancer twice, with such ferocity and force of spirit that you would not know her struggle if you did not know her well yourself.

We worked in customer service. She still works there, as an assistant manager for the store, and is beloved by all the customers. Prior to my changing jobs, she had been told that there was no more they could do. Her oncologist said quit working, spend time with your husband and your family (she has no children), and live whatever time you have left. That lasted three weeks before her husband found a different doctor and she decided “F#ck Cancer!” She will never be in remission or “cancer-free” like some people. She has had cancer so many times, and her body is so ravaged by it, that she will always have cancer cells in her body. What her treatment does is maintain those very low numbers so she can live. But Lisa doesn’t just live, she LIVES! She told me on a regular basis that once you are faced with your mortality and you realise that you are on borrowed time, your perspective changes drastically, and she wishes it hadn’t taken cancer to change that perspective for her.

We’ve all heard that, right? Live like today is your last day. But do we really do it? No. We always think we have time, but we don’t – and so I decided maybe, we can learn together how to LIVE, and not just live, even when we’re faced with hardship. There’s definitely a time to cry, to rail against the hand you were dealt in life, but I think it’s how we face it at the end that becomes most telling of who we are inside and exposes what we’re really made of. I think that giving ourselves the motivation and skills to deal with things gracefully and humbly can only benefit us, helping us progress toward that state of Being Here and Being Present, especially during those times when it is most important.