By Jordis Tyra Nightblade
Here at ReVo, our chatters span the spectrum from those who have no interest in sexual play, to those who consider themselves completely “vanilla” with no particular kinks or fetishes, to those whose sessions wouldn’t be complete without a dungeon that would make a medieval king proud! While many members of our community have years of experience with BDSM and other alternative lifestyles, others may be experimenting for the first time. In this issue, Jordis presents us with topics to consider when deciding whether or not to meet and play. ReVolutionary Theory understands that many kinksters consider safety and acceptable risk to be personal matters that may vary from individual to individual and even scene to scene, and so may not agree that these guidelines meet their own needs. We encourage you to use them as a point of review and form the plan that’s right for you – however, consent should always be top priority, regardless of whatever else you and your potential partners decide to do.
Now that college and university are back in session, safety and consent are back in the news. At my local university, Frosh Week is ongoing and fresh in mind as I write this. It’s important to remember, though, that abuse and sexual violence can happen to anyone, no matter your age, gender, race, or religion. With that in mind, I’d like to share some important tips on safety and consent.
Consent: Until you agree on another, your safeword absolutely IS “No”
Consent is so important, and in this day and age, it must be a clear and influence-free “Yes”!
Even when at a party and drinking, no means no. Being drunk is not consent. You can be arrested for sexual assault if your partner is drunk or high, as it’s now said that people under the influence cannot actually give consent – even if they say yes – because their judgment is impaired by the use of a mind-altering substance. You can’t drink or get high and drive with good judgment, so how can you consent to sex with good judgment? It’s best to keep sexual activity for when you’re sober.
Silence is not consent. Even being naked isn’t consent. Only “Yes” is consent. If you’re lying naked next to your partner of choice, ready to go, and you change your mind and say, “No,” that’s still a no!
Safety: Take care of yourself; it’s a crazy world out there
As somone who is deeply involved with her community of BDSM lovers and other kinksters, I’ve learned a few tips from people who’ve been in the scene for many years that can help keep us all safe.
1) Never meet someone new alone in a private place. If possible, take a friend. Even if you can’t, insist on having your “first date” (or even first few dates) in a public place. Only a shady person would deprive you of this wish. They may have ill intentions.
2) The world is filled with predators that use not only BDSM and Kink sites, but even vanilla dating sites, to find their victims. Using your real name, location, or pictures that reveal your offline identity can lead to harassment or stalking.
3) If you absolutely have no other way other then to meet a person alone or in a non-public place, make sure you have a back up plan:
• Let a friend know where you are going and with whom.
• Have them call you at random during the meeting, or if they haven’t heard from you by a previously-discussed time, to check in and make sure you’re still safe.
• Contact this person at a designated time – your safe arrival at home, or when you’re back at the public space you were picked up at.
• Refuse a ride to your door until you feel sure your date is safe. After a couple of meetings might be fine, but the first meeting is too soon. Arrange a pick up with a friend at a public location so you know you will get home sefely.
• We almost all have cell phones. Even if you have one that doesn’t work and has no minutes, you can still dial 911 in an emergency. If you dial and hang up, they may still be able to locate you! (This is information I recieved directly from a policeman.)
You always have the right to demand to be taken to a safe location. If that right is refused, call 911. Unwilling confinement is against the law!
4) Always let somone know when you’re out on a sexy evening with new people, especially if you’re away from home and friends.
5) It’s not just men who need a wingman! Take a friend designated to stay sober and keep you safe. This friend can let you go to another room alone, but can check in on you if you’re gone too long. Discuss this with your friend(s) and be sure you both or all have each others’ safety in mind. It’s not baby sitting; it’s making sure your friend is okay.
6) If anything should go wrong, report the crime! Never let anyone get away with assulting you. Whether it’s one time or a million, it’s still against the law. You have a right to personal safety. Don’t let anyone take that from you. Even if you think no one will believe you, even if you think it is your fault, there is always someone who will listen to you, who will believe you, and who wants to help you! Seek them out.
7) Know the laws in your area. Know your rights. Know where your health clinics are. Stay safe. Sex is supposed to be something enjoyable, not a terrifying nightmare!
8) Never leave drinks unattended, then finish them off. People can be jerks and slip rape drugs (“roofies”) in your drink. Always keep an eye on your drink and get a new one if you walk away from it.
9) Never walk home alone. If you have to, stick to very busy streets to get you there.
10) Never think it won’t happen to you! I can testify that I thought that, too, and then a few years later I was sexually abused.
Most importantly, be selfish! If someone is refusing your right to consent, or is taking you into danger, protect your saftey. To hell with if they get arrested, won’t be your friend, or won’t talk to you ever again. Your personal safety comes first. If they don’t care about you, you shouldn’t care if they’re arrested.