Tag Archives: december 2017

The Awakening: Coping With Chronic Illness

By Halcyon

Life is hard. From the moment we open our infant eyes to the blinding white of a delivery room until we follow that light to places unknown, it seems there’s always something trying to stand in our way. There are days when all you want to do is give in, let it take over, and be swept away to anywhere but here. In her new series The Awakening, Halcyon hopes that giving us a lifeline will help us find our way back.

The Awakening Series: Coping with Chronic Illness

Acceptance doesn’t mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there’s got to be a way through it. (Michael J. Fox)

In this installment of my Awakening series, we are going to search for ways of being present in the face of adversity, whether it is chronic or terminal illness, or just the struggles we encounter in our day to day lives. Being present in life is not easy, and most of us coast through it without truly being there and without truly being aware of what a gift it is to have this life at all.

During the first part of this series, I was struggling without a clear diagnosis. Though I knew it lay in part to structural issues resulting from many years of wear and tear from competitive gymnastics and running, after eighteen months with no definitive answers and many treatment attempts, for the most, it just became long-term, chronic pain.

In the time in-between diagnoses, you flounder. There is an enormity of emotional suffering compounded by shame. People do not understand the nature of chronic illness – regardless if it is one that has more scientific data behind it, like multiple sclerosis, or something like fibromyalgia, that seems to be shrouded in mystery and confusion. I think I am lucky because one thing that has helped me to be an advocate for myself and others has been my inherent curiosity and scientific mind. When I got my diagnosis of fibromyalgia (along with a pending diagnosis of rheumatoid arthritis) I researched everything (and still do) and connected with various fibromyalgia communities.

What I found is a vast sea of helplessness and hopelessness, and one not limited to this community. Across the board of chronic illness, for which many of us do not look as though we are ill, there seems to be a questioning of whether or not we are genuinely ill, or are just lazy hypochondriacs seeking attention. It is also not a sentiment solely regarded by the average citizen, friend or colleague, but one rampant in the medical community, as well. My own experiences until finding my current doctor were along the lines of, “Fibromyalgia is a bullshit diagnosis,” or, “Just exercise and lose some weight and you will feel better,” and a pain management doctor who treated me like I was a drug seeker, humiliating me in front of the daughter who had come with me.

I think it’s very easy to become sucked into the vortex of self-pity, with equal helpings of self-loathing and shame, and a sprinkling of lamentation for the situation you find yourself in on top. Even before a solid diagnosis, you know your life has changed in a very un-alterable way. In the beginning, you cling to the hope that treatment will help, and that these people who have devoted themselves to school and study about the human body and diseases, will be able to come up with a plan that works for you. But after months of exhausting every option, while trying to remain positive, you are suddenly confronted with a grim sort of reckoning about the situation, and the reality sets in at last. We settle for management of our pain and hope that it will afford us some vague recollection of our pre-diagnosis self, when in fact we inherently understand, and perhaps even accept on some molecular level, that who we once were is gone.

Though I have never faced terminal illness myself, I have friends who have, and there is a similar path. In the end, you need to come to some sort of acceptance. From there, you can begin a process of self-healing and being present in your life for whatever amount you have left. This is where I believe self-compassion and mindfulness come into play.

Mindfulness is a practice that helps you to stay in the present moment. It is often described as becoming aware of that present moment experience in a way that is free from judgmental thoughts and personal preferences. There is a clear difference between the quality of awareness brought forth by mindfulness and the awareness one might otherwise have in day-to-day life. Sadly, we are not often very mindful in our everyday lives, and our awareness becomes reactive to those thoughts and preferences, which takes away from the present moment.

The best way to stay in the moment is to re-engage with the body:

* It is your body, not your thoughts, judgments, or beliefs, that stays in the present moment.
* Re-engaging with the body also includes enaging the senses: Touch, taste, sight, sound, and smell. Through this re-engaging, you learn you have a choice where you place your attention, and it should bring with it a measure of peace and stability.
* While acknowledged, those questioning thoughts, feelings of self-loathing, or berating yourself, are understood not to be reality.
* You learn to create a buffer between those thoughts and your mind, keeping them at a distance.
* Those thoughts and ideas no longer absorb your attention.

The practice of self-compassion is a way of being in which you maintain a balanced, non-judgmental awareness of difficult experiences and maintain a desire to alleviate those difficulties, while recognizing it is a perfectly normal part of being human to experience difficulties in life. This requires a deep understanding of mindfulness, the ability to balance mindfulness with self-kindness (rather than self-judgment), and effort put into refraining from isolation.

Self-kindness is a practice that can seem strange at first. It is literally relating to oneself with an attitude of kindness and regarding oneself with gentleness, patience, and reassurance. An effort is made to change the tone of your inner voice to something soft and embracing.

* Use phrases like, “It’s ok,” and, “Don’t worry.” It is often recognized through this practice that there is an obvious lack of self-kindness and that when it is offered, it is conditional. Many times, it is only offered when you are able to achieve certain tasks that you feel are important. (Example: “I’ll lay down and rest or take a nap once I get X amount of chores done today,” or, “I’ll feel really good about myself when I get that project done by a certain time.”) When you do this, what you are actually doing is saying that you do not deserve kindness without conditions, and when you do not meet the goal set it propagates feelings of worthlessness.
* Offer yourself unconditional kindness. You will be more relaxed, your head will be clearer, and you will find you are kinder to others as well.
* Regular practice will make it easier. You cannot undo a lifetime of behavior in a few sessions. Do not be discouraged. Try using this mantra often, especially when you get discouraged: “Don’t worry, this is hard, but you’ll be okay.” You may still self-blame and criticize, but it will get better, and eventually, will be replaced by better habits.

Self-isolation happens when you devalue yourself and self-criticize so often that you forget you are not alone in the universe. Through these practices, there will be an eventual awakening of your spirit. It will bring with it an understanding that no matter how alone you feel, going through whatever situation or illness has presented itself, that everyone, everywhere, is going through something. Life is often a battle filled with hardships that are not written across our flesh for others to see. but instead written in our soul. By engaging with people, listening to others, and empathizing, you begin to see that although everyone’s battle is different, we are all faced with difficult emotions, we all judge ourselves, and we all experience feelings like shame, anxiety, anger, and depression.

The action of being present and mindful in our lives and those we care about is a lifetime process. You don’t exercise these ideas and tips for one week and then call it done, believing that somehow you are now mindful and present and don’t have to work on it. It is a state of being that requires work, and that you will sometimes fail at, but keep trying. The benefits of being mindful and present are known to have effects on all aspects of our lives, even our health. When you look inward and re-engage with the body, and simply honor the fact that you are in pain, without any self-judgment or self-loathing for it, the body relaxes.

The National Institute of Health [NIH] has many articles on mindfulness-based stress reduction as a way to help those who are chronically ill, but you certainly don’t need to be chronically ill to begin practicing it.

Confessions of a Drama Queen

By mouth{JT}

First of all, I would like to say I have no problems being a Drama Queen, I really don’t. In fact, I like it. One of the real positive things that has come out of me writing a blog was the fact I’m okay with all my strange habits and behaviours. I used to feel a bit guilty about it, and try to be normal, but in reality, inside I was screaming, with all those little twitchy things dying to come out. I like being different, a comment I’m often told, and I like being precise, pedantic, and demanding (mostly of myself.). I don’t like comments such as “Okay, well, that’s good enough,” or, “That will do” – statements to indicate that something is passable, but not really right. I don’t do passable at all, and I would drive myself (and those around me) crazy making something as near to perfect as I can. It’s tiring and time consuming, but it is the way it is, and I like it. A lot.

That being said, it can certainly lead to some odd and funny situations. This month’s drama was the cell phone. Now, I had a cell phone, but it wasn’t trendy. Not at all. It was 10 years old, though still obviously in pristine condition, and it did what I wanted it to do: Make an emergency call if I got stuck anywhere. That’s it, period. I don’t want to take photos with my phone, or even do texts. I certainly dont want it to access the internet, and I dont play games in RT, so that’s out, too. I want it specifically for the car in case I get stuck anywhere. And because I am an old lady, I have no need to update it every year, either. I’m not interested in looking cool. So every once in a while I would charge it up, and off we’d go.

About six months ago, I bought a “swipe” phone as a backup. There was one big snag however: I didn’t like it, and I mean as in, I hated it. My normal phone is a flip top, or clamshell phone – the type with a lid – and I prefer that, so the new phone was relegated to housing music, and that was that.

Until the charger for my flip top broke. The phone was so old they don’t make or sell chargers for it, so there was nothing else to do but buy a new one. Ugh. So ugh. My first thought was to search on the internet for a new charger, and buy a cheap phone in the meantime, which I did. It was just as a temporary measure, so it didn’t have to be expensive. I got about ten seconds into setting it up, and honestly? I didn’t really try. I was already over doing it before I started, so I thought, “Screw it, I’ll take it to a phone shop and get them to do it for me.”

Off I went. The new phone was a push button thing, but – Hm, okay, I didn’t really like it. I would probably pocket dial someone by accident, so while I was in the shop I bought a third phone – a clamshell one, with a lid. I must say, the guy that sold it to me was very, very patient and set the whole thing up for me. He activated it, whatever that means, and kindly activated the other one, too, and the smile never left his face, even when I told him I don’t text unless if I have to (I don’t cope with text speak at all (how RU and i’m gr8 get no response from me. I didn’t learn fucking spelling at school to bastardize the language).

So now, I have four phones. My old one, dead with no charger; my new one to use in an emergency; a backup to sit in the glove box in the car; and a swipe one to play music on (although I mostly use an Ipod for that).

Overkill? Possibly

But I got there in the end.

The DQ way.

-Carrie-
aka mouth {JT}

Whole Beauty: DIY Edition

By Halcyon

In this issue, Halcyon shows us how to make our own beauty products at home! While the majority of these recipes should be safe for anyone without allergies to their ingredients, some do include essential oils. Remember that essential oils should never be applied to the skin without being diluted first, and that some, such as citrus oils, can cause photosensitivity when exposed to sunlight. Always do your research first, and if you have questions or concerns, be sure to bring them up with your doctor or other health care provider!

DIY: Lotions and Potions and Scrubs, oh my!

This installment of Whole Beauty is all about Doing-It Yourself. Get in your kitchen, take out those mixing bowls, and get cracking! It really is very easy and a lot of fun. If you have kids, get them in on the action. You may want to do a test-run before you let them join in, or just read over the recipes and decide what your child can do.

These are not my own creations, though I have tweaked them a bit for what works for me. Pinterest is a treasure trove of ideas for DIYs. A lot of the time it is trial and error, but don’t give up. You will save a lot of cash by doing this at home, and most of all, you will know exactly what is going into your product. As someone who has very sensitive skin, I’ve had to learn to do it myself because I’ve had reactions to some very expensive products – even those said to cater to allergy-sensitive skin. But no more.

For those who need to budget like me, you may not be able to do this tomorrow. Plan it out, investigate the prices on items you may need, and just parcel it out. Sometimes you can strategise it for sales on Amazon (or wherever you may shop) and get great deals on all your DIY needs.

Here we go:

Lavender Lemonade for Migraine and Headaches

Ingredients

* 1 drop of lavender essential oil
* 6 lemons
* 1 cup of honey
* 12 cups of water
* 1 tbsp of raw honey for sweetness

Directions

1. Peel the lemons, and then squeeze them in a pitcher.
2. Add water, honey and one or two drops of lavender essential oil. Mix all the ingredients.
3. Store the drink in the fridge.

This is really very refreshing, and you will be amazed at how it seems to alleviate headaches. I am not sure of the reasons why, aside from lavender always having been a calming herb, but anything to help a migraine is awesome in my book!

Impurity Removing Face Mask

Ingredients:

* 2 tablespoons bentonite clay
* 3 capsules activated charcoal
* 3-4 teaspoons aloe vera
* 1-2 teaspoons shea butter
* 1.5 oz camomile tea
* 1 drop peppermint essential oil (optional)
* 1 drop eucalyptus essential oil (optional)

Directions:

* Start by brewing the tea
* Melt the shea butter in a double boiler
* When the tea is ready and the shea butter is completely melted, mix them together
* Mix the bentonite clay and the activated charcoal in a seperate container
* Add the clay and charcoal mix to the shea and tea mix and stir
* Add the aloe vera and essential oils and continue to mix well
* Store in an air-tight container

* To use: Apply all over face and keep on for about fifteen minutes. Wash off well and admire your soft skin!

Homemade Hydrating Lotion

Ingredients:

* A food processor
* A double broiler
* 1 cup room temp. herbal tea (I like the chamomile variety for this)
* 1/2 cup coconut oil
* 1/4 cup shea butter
* 3/8 cup sweet almond oil
* 1/8 cup extra virgin olive oil
* 4 tbsp beeswax pastilles
* 1-2 tsp total of essential oils of your choice. I used the following Doterra oils: Lavender Oil, Helichrysum Flower Oil, and Rose Flower Oil.

Three Easy Steps:

Step One: Brew

* Brew the tea. Boil the water, steep the tea, and bring to room temperature.

Step Two: Melt

* In the double boiler, melt the butters, oils, and beeswax together. Do not add the essential oils yet.

Step Three: Emulsify

* Pour the melted oils into the food processor and lock the lid. Turn the food processor on, and slowly pour 1 cup of herbal tea into the mixture. It should begin to emulsify. Leave it running for another thirty seconds after you’ve poured in all the tea. You may need to stop the food processor and scrape the sides to blend completely. Add the essential oils of your choice and blend for another thirty seconds.

Storage and expiration:

* This recipe will make 2-3 cups of lotion. If you don’t want this much lotion, cut the recipe in half. The lotion should keep pretty much indefinitely in the fridge without added preservatives. You can put it into a couple of small containers holding a few ounces and then just refill. I suggest if you live in a hot climate like I do, you keep a larger jar in the fridge and refill from there. You may have to let it come to room temp. If it gets too hot, it might lose its consistency.

* The lotion goes on cool and smooth and absorbs quickly, leaving your skin nourished and hydrated. It smells amazing and does not leave a greasy residue or shine on your skin. It is completely safe to use on your kids. (Heck, you can even eat it, but I don’t think it would taste very good!)

Facial Moisturizer

* 1 cup aloe vera gel (This bit is important. In the comments, a few people have tried to substitute plain Aloe juice, or home-made gel, but it doesn’t have the stabilizing properties needed. It has to be a gel.)
* 3/4 ounce (by weight) beeswax – I buy mine in a bar and grate it. You can buy it in pellets, too – make sure you get the kind for cosmetics, not candles. Some of the latter come scented. The beeswax is in there as another stabilizer. When you make an emulsion like this, you are essentially mixing water and oil – two things that don’t mix. Instead, they will sit next to each other. Tiny blob of oil, then tiny blob of water, tiny blob of oil, etc. When the lotion separates, it is because those tiny blobs touch others of the same type and create a bigger blob of oil or a bigger blob of water. This causes a chain reaction and the mixture separates. I’ve added the wax because it will blend with the oils and make them less fluid (since it is solid at room temp). Hopefully less fluidity will mean less separation.
* 1/4 cup almond oil
* 1/4 cut coconut oil
* 10 drops of your favorite essential oil (Please note that essential oils are serious business. Always take into account the oil you are using and its affects. I like grapefruit, but it can increase sun sensitivity. Also, be sure to test the oil on your skin ahead of time to note any allergic reactions, as well as researching whether they may react with your medications or medical conditions.)
* Chocolate/soap melter or double boiler
* Blender

Directions:

This moisturizer has been one of the most popular posts on the site for over a year! In that time, I’ve made this recipe several more times, and I’ve talked to many of you about your tips and tricks. I’ve assembled the most common into a FAQ at the bottom of the page. Check it out!

1. Start by melting the beeswax and coconut oil in the almond oil

2. Pour the melted oils into your blender and walk away. It is super-duper essential that this stuff gets cool before you start to blend. There is no getting around this. For me it took about an hour and fifteen minutes. If you don’t let it cool, it separates later, which is gross. Trust me.
(Note: Some readers have had better experiences in blending if the oils are just-barely-warm, and the blender/aloe mixture is also just-barely-warm. Try it and let me know what happens!

3. Mix the essential oil into your cup of Aloe Vera Gel.

4. Fire up the blender. Slowly pour the aloe vera gel into the blender as it whips. It will transform from a thick oil to a light and fluffy, more lotion-like texture. The first time I did this, I had to call my husband into the room to look – it’s for-real lotion!

5. That’s it! You’ve made your own facial moisturizer! Store some in a small container for your vanity and put the extra in the fridge. Keep in mind that lotion has a shelf life. Don’t use anything that looks/smells/feels wrong.

DIY Lotion Frequently Asked Questions:

If the lotion fails to mix correctly, try these approaches:

* Be sure to scrape the bottom of your blender several times during the blending step. Sometimes oils and wax sink down there and it will cause a watery consistency in the lotion.
* Add the aloe to the oils ever so slowly. We are creating an emulsion, mixing two items that can’t be mixed. We have to do it slowly for even distribution.
* Some have suggested making sure the oils and the aloe mixture are at the same temperature and a little above room temperature for optimum mixing. Perhaps wait until the oils are just warm to the touch, and heat the aloe gel to the same (probably about ten seconds in the microwave) before blending. Avoid cold aloe gel or blending in a cold blender.

If after all this, the lotion comes out slimy or separating, transfer into a bowl with a hand mixer or a stand mixer and whip the ever-loving daylights out of that bad boy! Additionally, you can use it as-is. It’s still a great moisturizer; it just doesn’t look as pretty. This is the price we pay for avoiding chemical stabilizers and preservatives

Whipped Magnesium Lotion

Ready-made magnesium lotion is not cheap. Prices on Amazon range from $9 to $20 for a small 8oz bottle. This is why I chose to make my own magnesium lotion, and have loved the results with this recipe.

Magnesium Lotion Supplies:

* 1/2 cup magnesium flakes
* 3 tbsp boiling water
* 1/4 cup cocunut oil
* 2 tbsp beeswax pastilles
* 3 tbsp shea butter
* 1 quart mason jar
* 2 coffee mugs
* Immersion blender
* Essential oils for scent (optional – I like lavender and rosemary together)

Magnesium Lotion Directions:

1. Measure the magnesium flakes into a mug. Fill another mug halfway with water and microwave on high until it is boiling, abut two to three minutes. (Alternatively, you can bring water to boil on the stove.)

2. Measure 3 tbsp of boiling water into the mug with the flakes. Stir until the flakes are dissolved and set aside.

3. In the quart mason jar, measure coconut oil, beeswax and shea butter. Place the jar in a small pan filled with one inch of water. Place it on the stove and turn the heat to medium high.

4. Allow the solids to melt, swirling the jar occasionally if necessary. (Be sure to wear an oven mitt.)

5. When everything inside the jar is melted, remove it from the pan and let it cool for about five minutes.

6. Pour the dissolved magnesium into the quarter mason jar. If it solidifies upon contact, that’s ok. Add essential oils (if using). Place the immersion blender at the bottom of the jar and blend everything together well, moving the blender up and down along the sides of the jar as necessary to incorporate the ingredients.

This makes about eight ounces of lotion. Store at room temperature for up to two months.

Home Made Healing Salve With Five Ingredients

Ingredients:

2 tbsp beeswax pellets
2 tbsp shea butter
1/4 cup coconut oil
1/2 cup sweet almond oil
15-20 drops therapeutic grade essential oils (I used lavender essential oil)
4 oz. tin containers

Directions:

1. Combine beeswax, shea butter, coconut oil, and sweet almond oil in a glass measuring jar.

2. Place the measuring jar in a small pot on the stove. Fill the pot about one-quarter of the way with water.

3. Bring your water to a boil over medium heat.

4. Stir occasionally until the contents of the jar melt (about fifteen minutes), then add your essential oil.

5. Carefully pour hot salve into small tin containers.
Warning: Use caution – the homemade healing salve mixture will be very hot!

6. Let your salve set overnight.

7. Enjoy!

DIY Cellulite Scrub

Ingredients:

1/2 cup coffee grounds
1/4 cup sugar
1/4 cup olive oil

Directions:

* Mix ingredients together in large bowl
* Apply in a circular motion to targeted areas on the body for approximately five minutes
* Rinse off with warm water
* Pat dry with a towel

The caffeine and antioxidants in the coffee grounds stimulate and dilate your blood vessels, which tones and tightens the tissue. The sugar further helps exfoliate, while the olive oil gives a big dose of hydration and plumping.

Now, you finally have something to do with the grounds after you brew yourself a cup of fresh coffee!

Homemade Tiger Balm

Ingredients:

1/2 cup olive oil
2 tbsp beeswax
1.5 tbsp menthol crystals
30 drops camphor essential oil
20 drops eucalyptus essential oil
10 drops cajuput essential oil
10 drops cassia essential oil
5 drops clove essential oil

Directions:

1. Fill a medium sized pot half way full with water.

2. Place a glass purex bowl in the water.

3. Add olive oil, menthol crystals and beeswax.

4. Turn stove top to medium heat.

5. Once the beeswax is melted, remove from heat.

6. Add essential oils.

7. Pour into 4 ounce jar.

I use Mountain Rose Herbs for everything. I also use Amazon for beeswax unless I stock up at the Rennaissance Festival for some good stuff there.

DIY Homemade Makeup Remover Pads

Ingredients:

* 1 quart wide mouth jar
* 2 tbsp of coconut oil
* 2 squirts of tear-free baby wash
* 2 cups of purified water
* 2 packages of cotton pads
* Optional: Tea tree essential oil (will help with acne, but should not be used on the eyes) or frankincense essential oil (will help rejuvenate the skin and decrease the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles)
* Microwaveable bowl

Instructions:

1. Mix 2 tablespoons of coconut oil, 2 squirts of tear-free baby wash, and 2 cups of purified water.

2. Microwave in ten to twenty second increments until melted and well blended.

3. Place about fifty cotton pads in you quart jar.

4. Pour the liquid mixture over the pads in the jar. Press the pads down to help soak up the liquid. Add more pads to fit, again pressing down.

5. Secure lid tight and keep in a dry, cool place.

6. Use the pads to remove your makeup daily.

Honey Sugar Scrub

Honey is a humectant. It also contains anti-bacterial properties tat help get rid of bacteria on your skin that can cause acne and other skin imperfections.

Sugar is a natural source of glycolic acid, an alpha-hydroxy acid (AHA) that penetrates the skin and breaks down the bonds of dead skin cells, encouraging cell turnover and generating fresh skin layer.

Ingredients:

* 1 tbsp raw honey
* 1 tbsp white/brown sugar
* 1 tbsp of olive oil (optional)
* Your favorite essential oil (optional)

Black Head Clearing Scrub Using Salt

Benefits:

* Salt helps to reduce excess oil on the skin. It is also a great natural scrub to get rid of blackheads thanks to its exfoliating properties.
* Rice flour, just like salt, exfoliates the upper layer of skin, exposing blackheads and making them easy to remove with scrubbing.
* Lemon juice is a natural astringent and loosens the blackheads.
* Lemon juice also has anti-microbial and skin cleansing properties that inhibit the growth of bacteria in pores while cleansing the skin.
* This scrub helps control oil/sebum secretions, thanks to the lemon, which balances the sebaceous glands.
* The exfoliating properties of this scrub can, with regular usage, eliminate not just blackheads, but whiteheads, too!
* The scrub can be used under the lips, on the nose and anywhere else to where you get blackheads.

Ingredients:

* 1 tsp salt (table salt, pink salt or black salt)
* 1-2 teaspoons of rice flour
* The juice of half a lemon.

Directions:

1. Place 1 teaspoon of salt in a small bowl.

2. Add 1-2 teaspoons of rice flour and mix the dry ingredients well.

3. Add in juice of half a lemon.

4. If using essential oil, add and mix well. My favourite is tea tree oil, as it helps me to get rid of acne on my face and some ingrown hair bumps on legs. You can add lemon essential oil (as it has the skin lightening ability and controls sebum production), or lavender essential oil to get relief from dry skin.

If you feel the scrub is too dry, you can add more lemon (or, if you have sensitive skin, you can add in water to achieve the desired consistency). Mix everything well and apply on your nose or any area that is prone to blackheads. You can first wash your face with warm water to open the pores and soften the blackheads. Let it stay on for a few minutes, then scrub thoroughly yet gently for another three to four minutes. Rinse it off and moisturize.

Store any remaining scrub in an airtight container. You can adjust the proportion according to your need of use.

Alright! That’s it for now. I hope you might find some uses for these DIYs, and that it will get you experimenting and having fun while saving money, along with the knowledge you are using good stuff on your skin.

The Serial Killer

By mouth{JT}

Kayem watched as the snow blew down hard outside, making vision near impossible. He waited patiently, silent and unmoving in the bitter cold, knowing sooner or later, they would come into the empty building, trying to get out of the bitter wind and find some shelter for the night. No one had been in there in some time, and the air smelled rank and unused, shut up, with long, lingering memories of his previous kills in every shadow, giving off a slow, dank vibe of death. He often brought his victims here, and the floor showed remnants of past deaths, with small, rusty-colored blood stains that were now too numerous to count. They would still come, however; just pleased to be out of the blinding cold with the easy access of entry making it a good haven for winter’s refugees – and so he settled in, making himself comfortable.

No one officially lived here now, of course. Living here wasn’t something you advertised – not unless you wanted an early death, but Kayem knew if he waited long enough, they would indeed come. Too desperate not to. He hunkered down, barely even feeling the cold. Long years of traveling, doing this, had hardened him to the elements, and he killed without remorse, not letting sentiment or memory get in the way. He was one of those that killed for nothing more than pleasure, satisfying an intense inner desire and a tiny bit of curiosity to see how long his victims would last.

Kayem was a loner – well, killers usually are, but he had no attachments to anyone, moving around without a care or thought, pleasing only himself and travelling on when the mood took him, with no backward glances – ever. He spent most of his days resting up, preferring the shadows of the night to take his victims unaware, and tonight, he was especially alert. It was freezing cold, and they would come. As he waited, he closed his eyes and inhaled sharply, reviewing the feeling in his mind, still fresh, of that first kill long ago. How sweet it had tasted, taking him by surprize with the way it intoxicated his senses. Right from the first one, he was hooked, needing that rush to sweep through his body time and time again, never getting enough of it. The only thing that made him feel alive.

He actually salivated at the thought of killing. It had been a long time, and sure enough, there it was – that slight tentative noise that told him they were here. Possibly a family, from the sounds of it, now getting stronger as they tumbled in from the cold, bitter night, no doubt tired and confused. Slipping from the shadows he moved in silently for the first kill.


Early the next morning, the pale sunlight shone down on a sleeping Kayem, satiated into slumber, his sleek black body surrounded by at least twenty corpses.

Best damn mouser of a cat the farmer had ever had.

New Releases

By Joy Naomi

January

Death Mark – January 19
Digimon Story: Cyber Sleuth – Hackers Memory – January 19
Gintama Rumble – January 19
Kirby Battle Royale – January 19
Ni no Kun II: Revenant Kingdom – January 19
Lost Spear – January 23
The Inpatient – January 23
The Seven Deadly Sins: Knights of Britannia – January 25
Dragon Ball FighterZ – January 26
Monster Hunter: World – January 26
Dissidia Final Fantasy NT – January 30

February

Shadows of the Colossus – February 6
Civilization VI: Rise and Fall – February 8
Dynasty Warriors 9 – February 13
Kingdom Come: Deliverance – February 13
Owlboy – January 13
Radiant Historia: Perfect Chronology – February 13
The Longest 5 Minutes – February 13
Secret of Mana – February 15
Metal Gear Survive – February 20
Hokuto ga Gotoku – February 22
Sword Art Online: Fatal Bullet – February 23
Far Cry 5 – February 27

March

Bravo Team – March 6
Your Four Knight Princesses Training Story – March 8
The Crew 2 – March 16
Attack on Titan 2: Future Coordinates – March 20
Yakuzu 6: The Song of Life – March 20
Agony – March 30