Tag Archives: july 2016

The Letter Opener

Oh my! It’s July! And I don’t know about anyone else, but I’m about ready for summer to be over (or maybe I’ll just move to the Southern Hemisphere with the half of you who already have winter). Because when you’re trudging down a gravel road at four in the afternoon, the sun beating down, the earth baked beneath your feet, the houses around you as still as the last siesta, not so much as the chirp of a bird or the buzz of an insect to reassure you there’s life in the world at all – only the tinkle of abandoned wind chimes, the breeze that stirs them so hot you can’t tell the difference between it and the rest of the hundred degree air, your only company the device in your hand, its battery swiftly dying, that swears, really, there are creatures out here somewhere, you just have to find them – suddenly you realize, this is it, this is the Apokélypse –

And then you go find an app that will tell you exactly where the damn things are so you don’t have to walk down a scalding gravel road at four in the afternoon looking for that one last Eevee.

Seriously, though, it is summer in this part of the world, and that means lifestyle shifts for a number of our northern chatters – the kids are out of school, people are going on vacation, and there are just other things to focus on besides role-play. Even if it seems a little slower on the face of the site, though – and you know what? I actually haven’t noticed that at ReVo yet, so we must be doing something to keep you around! – I can promise you that behind the scenes, we’re as busy as ever! You won’t find a “lighter fare” menu in this issue – we still have all the great features you’ve come to know and love already, plus a brand-new spread of columns we hope you’ll like just as much!

But wait! There’s more! If you act now, you get not only the established ReVolutionary Theory features and the new columns, but some returning favourites, too! I’m so happy to be able to announce that we’ve got mouth{JT} back on our team – she’s still working her way back up to a full stats bar, but we’re just glad she’s doing well enough to contribute at all. Check out Confessions of a Drama Queen and our fiction selection “The Intruder” to see what she’s up to!

That’s right – you get an entire issue packed from first page to last with non-stop ReVolutionary action: Reviews, interviews, old friends, new friends, and more, all for the low low price of FREE! with no additional processing or handling fees required! ReVolutionary Theory is just one of the many perks we offer our chatterbase, and it’s one that’s available to all of you, regardless of whether you’re a paid member, a long-term guest, or just stopping by to see how you like the place! Without you, there wouldn’t be a ReVo to make a magazine for, so you’re just as important as the actual magazine team.

And on that note! ReVo currently has staff positions open, and many of them are directly related to magazine production. Applications close August 5th, so if you’re interested, hop over now and check it out!

I think that’s all for now! Happy summer/winter as appropriate, good reading, and I’ll meet you back here in October, just in time for some Halloween fun! And remember – if you have questions, comments, critiques, or suggestions, we’re taking them all at the ReVolutionary Theory Forums!

Clash of the Artists

By Care

While ReVo’s mission is primarily to provide for role-play and role-players, we know that there’s more to it than just the game. In addition to writers, our community of creative minds includes coders, fact masters, and graphic designers. In this issue, we’re spotlighting the latter with Care’s coverage of the first Clash of the Artists.

In April, a great new event took place in Grafica. For five Saturdays, starting April 9th and going all the way to May 13th, we held live battles within the room.

This event was the brain child of myself, Demonatrix, and dapet. It started from a night on Skype voice where I was thinking I wanted to do something fun for Grafica – originally the room of Laramie, Grafica was left in the hands of Dark and myself. Now, however, it is site-run, though still under my care.

The plan was to do something different then what has been seen before. That’s when I went to Demonatrix and dapet saying that we should do something like Red Queen of Digital Circus Designs did, but make it our own. After much time spent talking about it, setting it up, and coming up with a name, Clash of the Artists was born.

“What is the Clash of the Artists?”, you may ask. Well, in case you missed it this year, it is a live challenge avatar battle. What that means is that on every Saturday for the duration of the event, watchers and players gathered in Grafica, where our designers threw out challenges. Once a challenge was accepted, we had the participants roll the dice. One was for the model they were to use, and the next two were for the elements and overall theme that had to be used within their pieces of work.

We had a total list of ninety different models, even though we only used thirty at a time. In addition, we had twenty elements and twenty themes that could be drawn. For example, some of the battles rolled were:

Model: Charlie Hunnam
Theme: Apocalyptic
Elements: Decaying Buildings, Destroyed Vehicles

Model: Phoebe Tonkin
Elements: Knives
Theme: Apocalyptic

Model: Vin Diesel
Elements: Mountains
Theme: Supernatural

Model: Katheryn Winnick
Theme: Movie Poster
Elements: Must contain pieces of Lost or Bitten

The battles were tough. Particpants had three hours to get in as many challenges as they could within that night. Then we put the finished pieces up for a blind board vote to decide who the winner of each challenge was. Though we started with numerous designers including Addiction, charity, Covet, Demonatrix, dinni, geenky, Hippolyta, Jenna, Kaliko, kitten{Mutt}, Rutger, Xams, Caedam, CD, Edfeil, fatal, Gabby, Heather Renee, Kuro, harlot, Mizery, Qristal, Echo, and ck, eventually, it was narrowed down to four.

In the end, there was only one. Our grand winner, with a total of ten wins from all four nights, was Xams! Her prize was Grafica’s Clash of the Artists Bling, which she will have until next year, when we crown a new winner of the Clash of the Artists.

Though there were plenty of bumps and bruises along the way, we will be back next year with another Clash of the Artists, so stay tuned!

Ask An Artist

ReVo is proud to have a wide assortment of designers call us home, and there’s more than one way that can benefit you! Are you ready to learn how to make your own AVs, or just curious how you can help your artists produce exactly what you’re looking for? In this column, we’ll be featuring your questions and providing you with answers straight from the community!

My question for all you AV makers: When someone wants an AV made and details are needed, what’s the best way to break it down so that you as an artist will be satisfied with the information given?

nicole

Care says:

When I say details, this is something I am really looking for on insight. Say you request an avatar for a specific character. What I’m looking for when it comes to details is that I want to know about the character. What is she/he? What is the personality like? What do they enjoy? What do they do for a living? Anything that will help me learn this character and better design an avatar that would ‘fit’ them. Now, for OOC, I would like to know some of your likes and dislikes more then your details, as frankly I know most of you OOCly and I could work with some, but however there are a few that I don’t know and when that comes out, again it’s about your personality. Are you shy? Are you quiet? Do you like naughtiness? Do you like to hang it all out there? That’s what I’m looking for as a designer.

Hippolyta says:

Hello Nicole!

Thank you for your question, and I hope that I can answer it to your satisfaction. I would say there are a few things to break down for an avatar request – and please note, ask ten artists, and you might get ten different answers. But these are, in my humble opinion, what is needed.

– First, and foremost, if the artist you are requesting from have a template for how they would like the information structured – use it!

– Secondly, structure your information clearly. And spell check. Some artists just copy and paste the information for name and extra text that you have provided, so make sure that you are providing the artist with the correct information!

– Thirdly, the following information is usually what an artist needs:
— The name to go on the av.
— Any extra text.
— Model and images.
— What is the avatar for, ie, roleplay or OOC.
— What is the feel, theme, mood, idea… that you have for the avatar.
— What do you hate to see in an avatar – might be frames, a font, a certain colour scheme.
— Any further information, such as, the artist needs to change the eye color, or remove the ear rings from a model.

Hope that answered your question, Nicole!

What constitutes a ‘High Quality’ image [size, clarity, etc]?

malice

Care says:

This one for me, really depends on what you are wanting within the avatar you are requesting for. I am not a real big fan of the giant images, I mean those that are like 2000 x 2000 pixels, that you have to scroll to see the full thing. For me, I’m looking for good quality image rather then “high” quality. I like images between 900 high and 1000 high, Sometimes I will even go with the smaller ones like the ones that are 350 to 400 high as I can and will work with those. Now as for the clarity, I like images that you don’t see little dots in the image – that’s grain, and the more of the grain you see, the worse it is to try to cover up. So I like to have images that are clear and smooth. I can stand a slight grain, but not so much that I can not work it. Other than that, I don’t mind anything else. So I guess it depends upon the designer and artist.

Stabz says:

For me, an image’s quality is directly related to how easily I can manipulate it. Given that I tend to make smaller AVs to begin with, image size is generally a less important factor – having room to play does make things easier there, but I don’t really need to put a firm limit on the minimum dimensions the way some artists do. If a picture is so small I genuinely can’t do anything with it, I can either look for a larger version or move on to another – that’s why we ask for multiple options to work with!

What’s ultimately more important is how “clean” an image is. A picture isn’t automatically high quality just because it’s huge – if you’ve ever done an image search, clicked a link because it met or exceeded your artist’s size requirements, and found out it was nothing but pixellation, you know what I mean! Some artists are capable of smoothing out grainy textures or other artifacts, but I doubt anyone actually enjoys it, and the more grain that’s present, the less likely it is you’ll get a good result. I’m a big fan of filters, actions, and other highly stylized effects, but because they all work by “turning up the dial” on the original image, they “turn up” any imperfections that are present, too. So what I need are images that are clear, crisp, and smooth, particularly when it comes to a model’s skin. The same applies to backgrounds – the more well-defined the boundary between a model and the background, the easier it is to extract them from it. Models that fade into the background (such as when they’re on very bright or very dark backdrops), very busy backgrounds, and scenery that overlaps the model are all more difficult to work with. None of those are deal-breakers for me, but they may be for other artists, and they do play a part when I’m choosing which image to work with!

Do you have a question you’d like to see here? Check out the Ask An Artist thread in our forums to find out how!

Featured Room: DC Noir

By Care

While our chatters are the heart and soul of roleplay, rooms are what give their characters a place to become incarnate. Managing rooms can be a difficult but ultimately rewarding task, and each leader has taken their own road to the “top”. In this issue, Care parts the shadows around DC Noir.

This quarter we have the pleasure of sitting down with Christian, owner of DC Noir, Sex Arcade, and Marvel United. However, for this article, we are only featuring his DC Comics room, DC Noir. DC Noir is one of those rooms that started on another site and moved to Roleplay Evolution. They have been a real staple of the Fantasy Envisioned realm since opening. They are always busy and if you don’t see them in one room, they are in another. So lets get started!

Thank you, Christian, for taking a moment to get with me about this article. Tell the readers exactly how you came up with the idea for DC Noir, besides it being a DC room?

Thank you, Care, it’s a pleasure. As for DC Noir, well, that started as a joint effort from lots of different people. I was sitting in another Marvel RP room on another site, paying attention to a public conversation between two other players – one happens to be our very own CK from DC Noir, and both were wishing there was a DC option for RP rooms. So that sort of sprung the idea in my mind. It was on a site which for years did not permit another comic room so it was a bit touch and go at first.

What kind of storylines sets DC Noir apart from the other comic book rooms?

Well, first off, sole DC rooms have always been rare. I can think of two or three others and most of them are no longer open. What DC Noir does with stories is we sort of branch out. We have a centered Batman centered RP, then we have a focus on the Green Lanterns in space and the Teen Titans. We’ve seen all manners of characters and some darker, horror type stories due to the nature of DC and magic and the supernatural. You can really do anything in DC, whereas Marvel’s universe is more focused on bright, full-color superheroes. DC has diversity at its best. We do slow burn stories, that build and build until we reach a perfect opportunity for a climax.

Can you tell us what the difference is between Marvel and DC? I know many people don’t understand that there is a slight difference, as it may be, for the comics, thus the roleplay too.

Just as I touched on above, the difference is the diversity. Marvel’s universe in any form is more centered around classic superheroes. Now, that’s not to say DC doesn’t cater to this – they are home to some of the first superheroes in the genre – but DC’s universe is more team oriented. Marvel has teams, too, but those teams have more often than not been segregated: You have Avengers and you have X-Men, you have street level and mutants and cosmic levels, and sometimes it’s hard to have those various types intermingle. DC is more user friendly – it affords for all types to interlock, be it under the banner of the Justice League or the Justice Society or perhaps even the Teen Titans. Batman characters and Superman characters can interact and it’s not far fetched. We can have Batman on Themyscira or Green Lantern in Gotham, and it can make sense without reaching! Also, the magic and occult aspect of DC is amazing with the works of Constantine and Zatanna, DC Vertigo, and other properties like Preacher and Sandman. The limits are imaginary.

What is the favorite style of play done within DC Noir?

We’re free form. I would have to say free form. People toss dice into the mix to settle disputes here and there but we’re basically a free form room. I hope that’s what you meant by ‘style of play’ [laughs]

Are there any ideas or plans for any events for DC Noir? Like we see many rooms hosting like trivia nights and paint nights? Anything of that nature, or is it all just storyline based events?

I like to keep my rooms grounded in story line based events. I’ve been known to have a trivia night or two. I’m not a fan of AV auctions or paint nights, basically because I don’t make avatars, so it’s not my bag. If gennifairy wanted to use the rooms to host one of those things, I guess I would have to allow it. [laughs] Seriously, though, I like the idea of rooms that generate activity from their merits and not one shot promotions – not that there is anything wrong with auctions, paint nights, and even trivia nights. They certainly have their place. I’ve just never seen people return to rooms based on those things after said event is over. We have some ideas in the works for DC, especially now that the comics have mirrored an idea I ran with a few years ago. We’re going to revisit that story and expand upon it.

What is one of the funniest storylines you can recall that has been in play in DC Noir?

One of the funniest DC Noir RPs – [thinks on this a bit] Two spring to mind. I love when I get to play Bruce Wayne as opposed to Batman. The reasons to use Wayne are very seldom in the room. One night I had players show up because thre was a Wayne Foundation event. As many might know, it’s no secret gennifairy and I ship Batman and Wonder Woman as a couple. Well Diana (Wonder Woman) shows up to the function with Steve Trevor; who is the government liaison between the Justice League and the United States government. Well, Bruce’s little green monster of jealousy came out to play, and it was just hilarious to have the two try to out do one another. The second was more recent. I was able to play Penguin for a night to help our Catwoman forward a story. It was a different character from the type I usually play, and fun. Catwoman and Poison Ivy robbed him blind!

Have there ever been a moment within the room, within stories, that you and your players have gone “What the Fuck”?

I can’t say that I have. Nothing really surprises me anymore. However, I can say that sometimes my one liners with John Constantine can be a room stopper. Although, all things aside, recently we had a player play a created character from an alternate future timeline. The kicker was she ends up being the daughter of Starfire and Superboy. That was a bit of a shocker in the room as Superboy and Starfire have just hooked up together and now they are shown the could-be possible fruits of that union. Long ago, we once had a Superman whose players would do some really ridiculous things that would make us all stop and think, “What the hell did I just read?”

Have there been any steamy storylines in DC Noir or is that all saved for when you go up to the Sex Arcade?

[laughs] The Sex Arcade always comes up in conversation, people really like that room. I can’t speak for others as I’m not privy to their private moments. I know our Superman and Lois Lane are starting their relationship but Superman’s player can be a bit goofy with not realizing Lois wants him. Kru-El, another Kryptonian has been keeping company with Catwoman, and I think the room is pulling for those two hooking up. [waves a hand] You know how RP romance goes but for myself, I love superheroes and I love my sex. My Batman and gennifairy’s Wonder Woman have a really underlined D/s relationship in DC Noir. If you pay attention and read between the lines, it’s there. Of course it drops when they have to be heroes and go beat up the bad guys, but it’s always there. John Constantine and Zatanna have a more playful romance as opposed to their Sex Arcade romps. However, Superboy and Starfire have a pretty steamy thing going on in DC Noir – not as explicit as their Sex Arcade adventures, but still hot none the less. We’ve kicked around having some stories from the Sex Arcade cross over into the other rooms. The Sex Arcade is still cooling. It can really become anything and be used as a stepping stone if that’s your sort of RP bag.

Tell us something you would like the readers to know about DC Noir?

I want readers to be aware of a few things. First, we don’t use character sheets, claiming a character is easy! Second, you don’t need a long understanding of DC history to play. If you watch the TV shows or follow the movies or some of the cartoons like the old Justice League/Justice League Unlimited, you’re good to go! The one thing I constantly hear is Comic RP is like this incomprehensible form of RP, and it’s really not. It’s fun, interactive fan fiction at its best!

And any last words for the readers?

Yeah, some last words. If you’ve seen Batman vs Superman, watch the Flash and Arrow or Legends of Tomorrow; if you go and see Suicide Squad in August; and if you like these things and want to experience them or give your hand to them, come and check us out! DC Noir is it’s own universe. It’s not the comics, it’s the not the cartoons, TV, or even the movies. It’s become it’s own monster and we would like you to come be a part of this!

And with that I have to say, I’ve learned a bit more about DC Noir that I did not know before. I don’t know about you, but part of me wants to go to DC Noir and try the roleplay there. I bet you would make a good superhero or a rather bad, bad guy.

Interview With A Gamer

There’s nothing quite like a long conversation with a long-suffering vampire, but what do you do when you want to talk topics that are a little more down to earth and a little less buried in it? Joy Naomi is here to help! In this issue, she pushes Psychobarbie’s buttons to unlock the gamer within.

When did you start gaming?

Depends on what you mean by actual gaming. I’ve been gaming since old school Atari, first gen Nintendo, but if you mean newer gaming about 2011, I think. MMORP has pretty much just been in the last year.

What game did you start with?

Super Mario Bros? Again, it really depends on what you mean by gaming. I got back into my gaming with Skyrim and it pretty much has been nonstop since then.

What do you game on?

XboxOne, 360, Wii, and Computer. Mostly XboxOne right now.

What do you play now?

I’m hitting Neverwinter pretty hard, but I relapse for Dragon Age Inquisition.

Name your top 5 games:

Skyrim, Kingdom of Amalur, Fallout 4, Saints Row IV, Neverwinter.

What are your major game crushes?

Brynwolf (Skyrim), Dritzz Do’Urden (Neverwinter), Hancock (Fallout 5). Don’t judge.

If you could only play one game for the rest of your life what would it be?

Dragon Age Inquisition, if I could mod it.

If you could have one item/power from a game character what would it be and why?

Uh… The ability to change my body and appearance in a menu every morning?

Any advice for new gamers?

Not really, we all play different. Find what works for you and don’t be afraid to try things. If you’re in a MMO, ignore the tards that mouth off. Never underestimate the power of looking things up before you get frustrated.

Do you prefer computer or console and why?

Honestly I love modding games so I’d be a computer gamer if I had my preference, however I like having my Xbox controller and not being up close to a computer screen as well, so both have their merits. What I want is friggen consoles you can mod like a computer -sighs- Such a fevered dream.

Featured Character: Miriam Jekyl

By Care

ReVolutionary Theory is the magazine that’s all about you – whether you’re a chatter, a player, or even a character! For this issue, Care digs into the den of Miriam Jekyl.

This quarter we are taking a look at the Supernatural side of things. I was able to sit down with Kuro, the typist and creator of Miriam Jekyl, who is a rather old wererat. If you don’t know the world of Laurell K. Hamilton or free forming it, then you are missing out, as LKH is one of the best Supernatural worlds out there. This character is played within the room THE CONDEMNED. I sat down with Kuro first, learned a little about the typist and finally sat down with the character herself, which I have to say was a rather interesting interview.

So let’s start off with something simple – how long have you been roleplaying?

Kuro: In total, it’s been a little over 15 years, but chat based has been roughly 13,

How long have you been role-playing the character?

Kuro: On and off for about 5 years.

Tell us a little bit about your inspiration when you were creating Miriam Jekyl?

Kuro: The original reason was that I needed a leader character that fit for London around the late 1800s. I always enjoyed the Rats in the books (and I’m a rat in the Chinese Zodiac), so it seemed a logical choice. From there it was just drawing on the movies/books that dealt with the era.

As the author of Miriam Jekyl, has there ever been a moment where the character surprised you so much that you went “What the fuck”?

Kuro: Not to that point, although it’s gotten close. She’s meant to be a no-nonsense defender of her Rodere, but there’s been a time where writing her ended up going in the route of helping someone who’s not a rat. No full WTF moments yet though.

What advice would you give to someone that is wanting to start a character within the world that Miriam lives in?

Kuro: Have fun and avoid strange people in dark alleyways. I’m horrible with advice. lol

Now we will take a moment and do the interview portion for the character herself. Yes, folks, characters are beings within our minds, and this is something that I have always found fascinating.

Hello, Miriam Jekyl. Thank you for agreeing to this interview today. Tell me a little about yourself?

Miriam: Very well. My name is Miriam. I was born several centuries ago in a well-off family. My father’s stupidity led my circumstances to become far less but did result in me becoming a Rat. As a Rat, I once ruled London from the underground. I was the Lady of the Night, Queen of the Rats, and I was willing to do anything to protect mine. I even made deals with the -shudders- undead. Nasty things, the undead; they smell foul and they drop bits everywhere. These days, I just deal with the circumstances that brought me to this damn island.

Can you tell us how old you are? If not, then about when you were born?

Miriam: To be truthful, I’m not sure how old I am exactly. I was roughly thirty when I was stuck in the vampire’s thrall. So that’s about a hundred and fifty. Easier to talk about when my childhood was. Electric light had just started being popular among the rich. I remember my father having it installed. Of course, I also remember the Jack the Ripper murders. I was around ten, maybe twelve, when all that happened.

Oh wow, you are very old then. Tell the readers a little bit about what you are, for someone that doesn’t know what being a “rat” means?

Miriam: What that means is that I’m awesome. In all seriousness, becoming a rat saved my life. I probably would have been another floater in the Thames if it was not for becoming one. What a Rat is, is that I’m a lycanthrope. Infected since I was a teen. I can change into the form of a rat but think closer to the size of an average dog, maybe a little bigger. I can pass on being a rat to others by passing bodily fluids – that’s if they survive the initial method of infection, that is.

Tell us a little about where you live now. I know you said you used to be in London, but what about now?

Miriam: Right now I live in The Underground, a dance club I managed to procure under questionable circumstances. It’s just one of many places on this blasted island. Not sure what this place is actually called, but blasted island works well. It’s like the island of misfit toys, except for things like me.

You live on some island somewhere? Isn’t that a little odd? Do you think you will ever get off this island to come back to the States or other normal countries?

Miriam: It is. I only came here cause of a blasted rumor. As of right now, it looks like I’m here for the long haul, but I’m hoping to one day get back to England. Hell, I’d just be satisfied to get to the mainland. But it’s like that song says, you can check out any time you want, but you can never ever leave.

So, you are saying you can’t ever leave that island? So you have nowhere to go, but around an island? Is it a big island?

Miriam: At the moment, I can’t. I’m not far enough up the asses of the right people. The government has taken to shooting down any unauthorized planes, even blowing up fishing boats with “suspicious” cargo. It’s a decent sized one. There’s a large city and some forest, some hills trying to pass themselves off as mountains. Still, it’s too small for the amount of things that are here.

There are other types of things on that island with you? Like besides other rats, as you said earlier?

Miriam: There are. I’ve been running into more and more every day. Seems people got it in their heads to send us all here. There’s rats, wolves, even some vampires roaming about. Luckily, they mostly leave me to myself.

That’s interesting, and yet no one knows where this island is located? So what about you, what do you hope to do while upon this island?

Miriam: I think they know, I just think they don’t care. Well, I came here because I thought there was a vampire here, but it seems that was just a rumor. Now I’m just trying to get enough money to bribe my way off this hunk of rock.

With the little you told us about yourself, lets dive into that a little bit more. Do you have any hopes or fears? Something that will get you through this time stuck on this island?

Miriam: Well hope is mostly for pansies. I do have the goal of getting revenge on the people who tricked me into coming here but that’s about it. Fears – yeah, I got a few. I’m honestly bat shit terrified of fire, almost died in large fires twice and zombies – god. Why do people find those things so damn fascinating? What’s gonna get me through time on this island is money. That and focusing on that revenge idea. Revenge is a hell of a thing to keep a person alive.

I think, that’s all the questions I had, is there anything you want to tell our readers?

Miriam: All I can say is, don’t send anyone you actually care about here. Even for a tourist visit. It’s all horse shit and they’ll probably get eaten.

Ask A Character

In this fun new feature, we take you inside the minds of your favourite archetypes to help you out of that sticky situation, into that heroine’s leotard, or just be the best/worst you can be!

The opinions presented here do not necessarily reflect those held by ReVo, ReVolutionary Theory, or your editors. All letters were submitted by our reader base and appear as written with only minor corrections for grammar or flow.

Dear Supernatural Entity,

I’m currently dating an elder vampire. I know that my dad or siblings would not approve. They might in fact smite me. On one hand, I think they no longer have the right to disapprove as they’ve all turned their backs on me lifetimes ago, casting me out of our home and denying me my inheritance, but on the other, I still secretly strive to not disappoint my father.

I fear I’ve fallen farther and deeper than I could ever imagine. What should I do?

Signed,

Fallen for the wrong guy

Dear Fallen for the Wrong Guy,

Personally, I am not really sure that you’ve fallen for the wrong guy. You know, us elder vampires are actually quite the going thing right now, so I hear. I can understand the secret striving to earn your father’s approval. I went through that phase, too. I say you have your “guy” take the brothers hunting, no silver need apply. Perhaps offer them those silly Halloween vampire teeth so the brothers fit in.

As for the father, well, I do find that a good torture session loosens things up so that guys can be guys and just…talk.

Sincerely,
Angelo “Rio” Contarini

Dear Superhero,

Hi,

I just recently arrived in this reality and I just saw my grandfather making out with someone who looks like his grandmother. Should I say something? I mean, with the mechanics of reality travel, they might not be the same people, but they did call each other by the same name…

Sincerly,
Horrified in New York

Hello, Horrified in New York,

Temporal Paradox, as it is called, can be a slippery slope. Perhaps your one parent is the result of inbreeding? That should always be a possibility. Then there is the factor of blood to consider – is grandfather’s grandmother actually a blood relation or is she a step-grandmother? These small pieces of information are important, but let us say for the sake of argument that it is not the case. Let us fathom for a moment that your grandfather is indeed sexually involved with his grandmother. A few things to consider: One, perhaps the timeline will simply work itself out? Time has a way of healing herself, all distillations included. Second, if you do intervene, perhaps the events which lead to your grandfather’s grandmother meeting the right man who will give her a child which will become the father/mother of your grandfather and thus bring him into this world so he can sire the one who will bring you into this world will not occur. You could cause a temporal collapse. These things are dangerous, a temporal collapse or… At best, incursion can result in an endless loop. This means that your time would cancel itself out but you would be stuck here in this present day. Which brings me to three, what are you doing back in time anyway? So I’ll tell you what, sit tight and don’t touch the baby or else the Reapers will come, because when Time is damaged, Reapers always want to sterilize the wound and that would be bad! So just chill and look for the blue box, that will solve everything!

I hope this helps,
Madman with a Box

Dear Supernatural Entity,

So I was out walking and this thing bit me. I don’t know what it was but now I’ve got this strange craving for cheese and difficult puzzles. Is this something I should go see the doctor about or should I just keep turning right in this hedge maze?

CheezLuver36

Well, hello, CheezLuver36,

I have to say, it sounds like you are just all kinds of screwed. The craving for cheese and difficult puzzles are one thing; yet, it sounds like maybe you are just stuck in a rat race for the ultimate prize. I would continue running the hedge maze and see where and if you could win. This could be something you would love to do yourself. After you find the end, then maybe I would see a doctor! Or you could come find me and I could just, well, fuck it! I’ll just show you what it means to be a Cheez Lover.

Sincerely,
The Alpha

Dear Superbeing,

This is addressed to anyone who can help me. I’m a mutant who has met someone who has caught his eye. The problem is, she’s on the side which opposes my employer. I’m supposed to call him “master”, but I ain’t into that side of the fence, so I don’t care how ancient he is, he can suck a bag o’dicks! Although she’d look pretty damn sexy on a horse. Anyway, we fought the other night and she kicked my ass. Now naturally I’d just rape and take what I want but this ninja bitch seems kind of special. So the question is, how do I get her attention and let her know I’m interested in her outside of having my “employer” break her will and mold her to his nefarious schemes. Is there any hope for a long lasting relationship beyond the apocalypse to come?

Also, I want to kill my father and skewer his head on a stick! I mean, I just want to lop it off and slam it down on a nice sharp pike along with that pale reflection he considers a daughter. Was that too much? I’m sorry, that was wrong, my employer says that they too are important to what’s to come, so I just had to vent, but yeah back to the sexy hawt ninja.

Any words of advice?

Sincerely,
A super villain henchman

Dear Super Villain Henchman,

To save you a headache – and myself – I will ignore your comments about raping and taking – which you shouldn’t do. That’s bad! Very bad!

What I will address is this: If you find her attractive and special and have an interest – why don’t you try and connect with her? Even if you are on opposing sides of the good/bad, there is a blurred line. How do you know her line isn’t equally blurred? Try not battling her or attempting to kill her. We aren’t in Elementry School anymore, and you dont need to hit a girl and tell her you like her. Matter of fact, women today much prefer a strong, blunt man to a whimpering in the shadows type.

As for your father? I get it. We all have parent issues – some worse then others. With him – I highly recommend you try to talk to him without violence. Sometimes a battle happens and it’s ok, as long as you talk afterward. One thing I have learned from coming here is you need to talk things out – mortals are weird this way. Where I come from, we battle. Not to the death – life is too precious to actually kill – but to see who would win in the end. I suggest the same.

Take my words of advice, and good luck to you. I hope you can work things out with your ninja-lady and father.

Warrior Princess

Dear Spaceman,

What really happens when you’re exposed to the vacumn of space?

Curious on Mars

Hey, hey, wait, wait, what, so only men can go into space? No, no, no, no, let me set you straight right there –

Sorry, sorry, Pilot said, said I’m getting carried away again and you’re a primitive species who doesn’t know any better. Anyway – what happens in the, the vacuum depends on what species you are, yeah? Like, like a Luxan, they can survive the vacuum for a quarter of an arn. But the rest of you? Yeah, you’re – you’re frelled! I saw a guy working on a command carrier hull get sucked off when a prowler flew in too close during docking, and his suit got caught on the metal and ripped, and he was, he was a mess! He was twitching and turning blue and trying to scream, and it was – you don’t, you don’t even want to know! They brought what was left of him back on board, and it was just like this blob of, of exploded organs and bits of frozen eyes and boiling blood. So, yeah! You don’t, you don’t want to go that way. You gotta be careful if you’re hanging around out there!

The Grey Girl

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Confessions of a Drama Queen

By mouth{JT}
The Ramblings of A Batologist

Generally, the first words that come out of a batologist’s mouth are “Ow,” “Shit,” and “Fuck” – well, they do mine, anyway. A batologist is not, as you might think, someone who collects and studies bats, but a person who collects and studies brambles. And I do.

I pick blackberries. to be precise. It all started on my way to work. I drive past a lovely section of a river where the blackberries grow wild and free, and every year, people go there and pick them. Mostly old folks, to be accurate. They pick the fruit, then have a stall on the side of the road with a great hand-made sign saying “BLACKBERRY JAM FOR SALE: $5”, or words to that effect. Now, God forbid, I dont want to sit in my car on a stinking hot day waiting for someone to give me five bucks, but the thought of picking blackberries was kind of appealing. Reminders of my childhood as a country girl where we’d go out and pick berries, or mushrooms on a frosty day, or the forgotten apple tree and raspberry canes growing in a vacant property (country folk gather anything for free), so I thought, “Why not?”

First of all, you have to find a secret spot.Those old folks are wiley and get up real early in the morning and strip a patch bare. I kid you not, they leave nothing.

So I discovered a secret spot, and let me tell you, I kept it a closely guarded secret. I know other people that pick, who wouldn’t hestitate to nick my spot. As luck would have it, I found my spot across the road from a small railway station. It was an abandoned paintball field, no longer used or kept tidy, and the brambles had grown real high, creating a natural wall from the passing road. I could see them from the road as I drove past and it didn’t look disturbed (batologists trample a lot of the ground down to reach the “good ones”) – probably the “KEEP OUT – PRIVATE PROPERTY” had something to do with it, but no one was around. It was an abandoned field. Yes!

At dusk one night, I parked the car in the nearby railway car park and walked around the field casually. The brambles had to be ten feet high, but that wasn’t stopping me, no siree. I ambled my way around, away from prying eyes, and at the side of the field found a natural opening. A quick glance around showed no rapists or muggers watching and I ninjed my way through a tiny gap. That was my first “Ow shit fuck” of the night as brambles tore at my hair, and not the last, I might add. Note to self: Wear a beanie next time. I got my balance after a while and took a look around. Holy moly, I had found Blackberry Mecca.

Now, as every good batologist knows, two things are needed for great blackberries: Rain and sun. And the enemy of the black luscious fruit reaching optimum growth? Wind. Plain and simple, it stunts their growth. So this ten foot wall of brambles not only kept prying eyes out, but had also created a natural thick barrier against the wind. On the inside of the field, the other side of the ten foot wall, the fruit grew thick, fat, and huge. But best of all? Untouched.

I got my plastic ice cream container and started picking. But there’s always that branch just a little out of reach, a little too far in – so you strain, go up on tiptoes, and plunge your arms into the most wicked spikes around. Rose thorns? The spines of a lion fish? Pfft. They got nothing on brambles that don’t want to yield their fruit. The ground was neglected, and I was soon falling over rabbit holes and tripping over hilly tussocks of what could loosely be called grass, only thicker, deeper and longer, landing on my arse with another of many, “Ow, shit, fucks”.

Blackberry juice stains a nice deep dark purple, and soon the color was mingling with my own blood as the brambles tore into me. I got scratches over both eyes, all down my arms, and I found out later that some vicious looking brutes had even worked their way through my jeans, tearing at my thigh. But no matter! My container was filling nicely. I had to slap the mozzies away as they honed in on fresh blood, as I picked “just one more”.

When it got too dark too see, and my self imposed one container limit had been filled, I stumbled, crawled and groped my way out of the field. No jumping over bracken and brambles now – I couldn’t see them, and I got slapped in the face many times, but finally I was back at the car, triumphant, my container filled to overflowing with great big dark luscious fruit. Ha!

I would go back many many times, swearing the obligatory words over and over to my secret spot, and I would have to say overall, it was a (kind of) pleasant, calming experience.

Now – what to do with the 47 containers of blackberries stuffed in my freezer.

Jam anyone?

Whole Beauty: Hair Care

By Halcyon

halcyon returns this issue with suggestions for how to take your natural beauty journey from skin to hair! Please remember that it’s always advised to discuss changes in your regimen with your doctor or other health care provider, as he or she will be in the best position to address your personal needs and special concerns – however, if you’re interested in holistic care, we hope this article will provide you with some opening discussion points!

Whole Beauty
Mind.Body.Soul

The Pursuit of Beautiful Hair!

I think that for women, hair can be an important aspect of femininity. Long hair seems particularly important as both a goal for young girls as well as how young girls define themselves. Without wandering too off course from the scope of what I’d like to discuss, I wanted to give a bit of background of where this ideal of long, luxurious hair comes from.

Historically, we have seen this ideal of short hair = masculine, long hair = feminine emerge on multiple occasions. Here are some examples:

• The Romans insisted that soldiers have short hair because flowing locks and a centurion helmet were not the best fit.
• Alexander the Great was also very keen on making sure soldiers kept hair short and faces clean.
• From WWI onwards, we can see that this concept of short hair in the military grew and was an important means of establishing control and maintaining obedience.

(MentalFloss.com)

Evolutionarily speaking, consider this:

• Long, healthy hair is a potent sign both of youth and reproductive fitness. This signal is broadcast to potential mates and increases the likelihood of reproducing.

So now that we know a little about why long hair is such an important part of the feminine identity, let’s take a look at ways we can take care of our hair that will be healthier and may even save you a few bucks.

No-Poo!

This is the slang terminology for no shampoo in the holistic community. You might recoil from the idea at first, but let’s take a closer look.

Conventional products are laden with chemicals and the misguided advise that these products are good and provide a lifetime benefit of healthy hair. This could not be more wrong. The no-poo method allows your hair to self regulate, which in the end, will make your hair shinier, healthier, and more manageable.

Method: A Beginner’s Guide

To begin, a word of advice: Don’t dive straight into no-poo, because you won’t get the expected results. I’ve knowledge of this first hand and from other sources who advise the same thing. What I would suggest is to begin with an organic, sulfate-free shampoo and give your hair time to adjust. This will help greatly, because as you read on, you will understand that your hair will continue to detox even after switching to sulfate-free cleansers and transitioning into no-poo.

The traditional method of no-poo dictates using a baking soda and apple cider vinegar rinse to cleanse and soften hair. The point of this system is to leave the hair alone as much as possible, which means cleansing hair only once per week – or even less, if you are feeling brave! This has been the most difficult part for me because of this link between suds and clean. You’ve reached the Holy Grail of no-poo when you can stop using baking soda and apple cider vinegar and clean your hair with only water. It seems impossible, but some have been able to achieve it. The best the rest of us can hope for, however, is diluting the solution used in the hair a bit at a time. Keep in mind you can still wet your hair between washes. Massaging the scalp as the water runs through it is excellent and relaxing. Another little tidbit of advice is to use a boar bristle brush every few days to distribute the oils in your hair for natural protection. This will also give it shine, and as your hair transforms, it will gain a natural bounce.

Why go No-Poo?

I could go on and on, but in the interest of keeping it simple, let me sum it up as best as I can! Here’s a brief list of chemicals that have been suggested as link to all kinds of health related conditions:

• Sodium Laurel Sulfate and Sodium Laureth
1) Irritation of the skin and eyes
2) Organ toxicity
3) Developmental/reproductive toxicity
4) Neurotoxicity, endocrine disruption and biochemical and or cellular changes
5) Possible mutations and cancer

These are both classified as detergents and should not be used on the scalp or body. These products also contain by-products of petroleum that takes the form of “mineral oil” in order to give your hair shine, sort of like getting that carnuba wax shine on your car – thanks, but no thanks!

If the chemicals alone are not enough reason to give No-Poo a try, let’s talk money.

A 1lb box of Arm and Hammer Baking Soda runs $1.19 at Walgreens. 16 fl. oz. of Eden Organic Vinegar (Apple Cider) costs $4.00 at Vita cost.com. Both these ingredients together plus tax (which in my state is 8.25%) equal a grand total of $5.62. Now it’s your turn. How much do you pay on products for your hair that are supposed to make your hair look good? Maybe saving a few dollars will inspire a giving this a try for at least a month.

Battling the Concept of Clean

This is the most difficult part about No-Poo – what you perceive as clean is an idea ingrained in all of us through culture and society. I have tried to go No-Poo before and I met with only a measure of success. The change? Re-evaluating what exactly I was putting in my hair and playing with the measurements in the baking soda mixture. One of the number one reasons people back out of this is the Baking Soda Hurdle. Stay the course! The key is trial and error.

Water can rinse away sweat and debris from your hair but it cannot remove build up and oil. This is why you need baking soda.

Here’s a bit of the Science Behind Why:

Baking soda is alkaline, a natural deodorizer which removes excessive oil and other build up. Because of this you really only want to use it once a week. Overuse can actually result in overly delicate hair. This is why some people go running for the hills and question using baking soda – too much, too many days of the week, and you will fry your hair. And here’s another tidbit: If you need to wash your hair more than once a week, use a raw honey mixture between washes.

Raw Honey Mixture: 2TBSP Raw Honey in 16oz of chamomile tea or plain water. Apply to roots of hair and massage, then rinse with cool water.

So make a thoughtful, conscious choice as to whether or not to go No-Poo. It takes a measure of patience and willingness to go on this journey and you should endeavor to at least give it a month to really make an educated decision!

Editor’s Note: Sodium laurel sulfate (SLS) and sodium laureth are cleansing and foaming agents that are found in many home and beauty products, not just shampoos! The toxicity of these agents is debated, but they’re currently considered safe for general consumer use in the United States – however, even with that approval, they are known to cause dryness, sensitivity, and other reactions in some people. If you’re concerned about the chemicals used in your household or suspect you may be sensitive to SLS, ReVolutionary Theory encourages you to do your own research – switching to a more natural product, or one that uses alternative agents, may well be the solution for you! As always, however, you should consult with a knowledgeable health care provider if you’ve developed a serious reaction or have more in-depth questions about what’s allowed by the FDA and why – we’re not qualified to advise or diagnose you from here!

The Intruder

Fiction by mouth{JT}

Wearily, she let the key in the lock, thankful to be home. It had been a long, hard shift at the hospital, and all she wanted to do on this cold, windy night was to have a long hot shower, something to eat, and bed, ready for the next day’s shift. The TV was going, a trifle too loud, but she blocked out the noise and called out, “Hi, I’m home,” and got a grunt and a wave in reply. No change there, then. A quick glance into the fridge showed her some still edible leftovers, and as she waited for the microwave to ding, she glanced out of the window into the street below.

It was a rough neighborhood, there was no denying that, and the amount of boarded up shops and unkempt look the back alleys gave showed that times were hard. She shrugged. It was one of the reasons rents were so cheap around here. The wind blew trash up the street, and she watched it swirling away, catching at a hooker’s legs as she waited for a customer. It was cold, though, and hardly anyone was around this time of night. Eventually, the hooker lit a cigarette and after a quick look up and down the street, moved off in search of better pickings.

The ding of the microwave told her dinner was ready. She ate it standing up, drifting back to the window, her eyes darting glances to every doorway, then the alley and back again. It was late, and most of the shades were drawn, or the window was dark. A perfect night for peeping toms – or worse – she thought, and shuddered.

Wasn’t it nights like this that the BTK guy went out, breaking into apartments and houses to do the terrible things he did, relying on the fact no one was around to hear? She wasn’t sure, but thought so – and just a couple of months ago, two streets away, the police had caught a peeping tom, right in the act if you please, masturbating in front of some young girl’s bedroom as she got ready for bed. Not to mention Ted Bundy, the charming serial killer who broke into nurses’ rooms and murdered them. Yes, it was a perfect night for something bad to happen. Feeling sick, she turned away from the window, the meal in her stomach disgreeing with the clinical germ smell she fancied clung to her clothes after a shift at work.

The clock pinged over to exactly midnight as she moved into the lounge, muttering, “Turn that thing down. I’m off for a shower, then bed. I’ve had enough for one day.” A double shift at work had made her tired and cranky, and she was in no mood to be woken by screaming from the TV. Her nerves were shot enough as it was.

Her roommate turned her head and grinned, pointing to the TV. “A shower, huh? Better watch out!” The shower scene from the movie “Psycho” was showing, hence the screaming. She mustered a very flat, “Ha, ha, very funny,” and left the room, going into the small bathroom and turning the shower on full.

As she waited for it to heat up, she gathered her night things, turned the electric blanket on, and went back, haphazardly stripping off her dirty uniform. Soon, her underthings followed and she stepped into the scalding hot shower, trying hard to block out the unpleasant noises coming from the TV. God, but the water felt good as it streamed down her back, pushing the aches and pains of the day away, her hands flat against the wall, safely ensconced by the shower curtain. Soaping up her wet hair, she looked up, and suddenly froze.

She wasn’t alone.

Out of the corner of her eye, she had seen something – just a very slight movement, but her sixth sense told her she had company. Her stomach churned. God, what to do now? Had she left the window open? She couldn’t be sure. Why hadn’t she checked? Should she call out? No, that damn TV would drown out her calls for help. The water poured down her body unheeded as she tried to think what to do, what to do, but her mind was blank.

There! The shadow wavered. She knew now she wasn’t alone, was certain of it. Perhaps it was just a draught, her logic kicked in, but that feeling would not go away, no matter how hard she tried. What the hell was going to happen now? A wave of complete terror washed over her as she waited, knowing it was coming. The half digested meal in her stomach was threatening to come up, and all thoughts of tiredness were now gone. She had to protect herself. But how? With what? There was nothing to help her but rows of beauty products adorning the shelf. God forbid, was she going to be found naked and dead in the shower by morning, the water running cold over her nude body? Janet Leigh’s screams coming from the TV weren’t helping any, and her nerves shifted into high gear.

Again, a slight shift in the shower cutain indicated the presence of another, and keeping her eyes firmly on the spot, she reached out, groping blindly for a towel, feeling the security of the warm material as she glided it around herself.

As the cutain shifted again, she couldn’t stand it any more. If she was going to be attacked, she would at least try and make a run for it first. Gathering up her courage, her hand crept towards the curtain before taking a deep breath and sweeping it back, at the same time screaming, “AAAARRRGGGHHHHH!” and diving for the door. Her room mate looked up in surprise as she burst dripping wet into the lounge, barely covered by the towel.

“I thought you said you got rid of that fucking spider yesterday!”