Tag Archives: jordis

BDSM Basics: Safety and Consent

By Jordis Tyra Nightblade

Here at ReVo, our chatters span the spectrum from those who have no interest in sexual play, to those who consider themselves completely “vanilla” with no particular kinks or fetishes, to those whose sessions wouldn’t be complete without a dungeon that would make a medieval king proud! While many members of our community have years of experience with BDSM and other alternative lifestyles, others may be experimenting for the first time. In this issue, Jordis presents us with topics to consider when deciding whether or not to meet and play. ReVolutionary Theory understands that many kinksters consider safety and acceptable risk to be personal matters that may vary from individual to individual and even scene to scene, and so may not agree that these guidelines meet their own needs. We encourage you to use them as a point of review and form the plan that’s right for you – however, consent should always be top priority, regardless of whatever else you and your potential partners decide to do.

Now that college and university are back in session, safety and consent are back in the news. At my local university, Frosh Week is ongoing and fresh in mind as I write this. It’s important to remember, though, that abuse and sexual violence can happen to anyone, no matter your age, gender, race, or religion. With that in mind, I’d like to share some important tips on safety and consent.

Consent: Until you agree on another, your safeword absolutely IS “No”

Consent is so important, and in this day and age, it must be a clear and influence-free “Yes”!

Even when at a party and drinking, no means no. Being drunk is not consent. You can be arrested for sexual assault if your partner is drunk or high, as it’s now said that people under the influence cannot actually give consent – even if they say yes – because their judgment is impaired by the use of a mind-altering substance. You can’t drink or get high and drive with good judgment, so how can you consent to sex with good judgment? It’s best to keep sexual activity for when you’re sober.

Silence is not consent. Even being naked isn’t consent. Only “Yes” is consent. If you’re lying naked next to your partner of choice, ready to go, and you change your mind and say, “No,” that’s still a no!

Safety: Take care of yourself; it’s a crazy world out there

As somone who is deeply involved with her community of BDSM lovers and other kinksters, I’ve learned a few tips from people who’ve been in the scene for many years that can help keep us all safe.

1) Never meet someone new alone in a private place. If possible, take a friend. Even if you can’t, insist on having your “first date” (or even first few dates) in a public place. Only a shady person would deprive you of this wish. They may have ill intentions.

2) The world is filled with predators that use not only BDSM and Kink sites, but even vanilla dating sites, to find their victims. Using your real name, location, or pictures that reveal your offline identity can lead to harassment or stalking.

3) If you absolutely have no other way other then to meet a person alone or in a non-public place, make sure you have a back up plan:

• Let a friend know where you are going and with whom.

• Have them call you at random during the meeting, or if they haven’t heard from you by a previously-discussed time, to check in and make sure you’re still safe.

• Contact this person at a designated time – your safe arrival at home, or when you’re back at the public space you were picked up at.

• Refuse a ride to your door until you feel sure your date is safe. After a couple of meetings might be fine, but the first meeting is too soon. Arrange a pick up with a friend at a public location so you know you will get home sefely.

• We almost all have cell phones. Even if you have one that doesn’t work and has no minutes, you can still dial 911 in an emergency. If you dial and hang up, they may still be able to locate you! (This is information I recieved directly from a policeman.)

You always have the right to demand to be taken to a safe location. If that right is refused, call 911. Unwilling confinement is against the law!

4) Always let somone know when you’re out on a sexy evening with new people, especially if you’re away from home and friends.

5) It’s not just men who need a wingman! Take a friend designated to stay sober and keep you safe. This friend can let you go to another room alone, but can check in on you if you’re gone too long. Discuss this with your friend(s) and be sure you both or all have each others’ safety in mind. It’s not baby sitting; it’s making sure your friend is okay.

6) If anything should go wrong, report the crime! Never let anyone get away with assulting you. Whether it’s one time or a million, it’s still against the law. You have a right to personal safety. Don’t let anyone take that from you. Even if you think no one will believe you, even if you think it is your fault, there is always someone who will listen to you, who will believe you, and who wants to help you! Seek them out.

7) Know the laws in your area. Know your rights. Know where your health clinics are. Stay safe. Sex is supposed to be something enjoyable, not a terrifying nightmare!

8) Never leave drinks unattended, then finish them off. People can be jerks and slip rape drugs (“roofies”) in your drink. Always keep an eye on your drink and get a new one if you walk away from it.

9) Never walk home alone. If you have to, stick to very busy streets to get you there.

10) Never think it won’t happen to you! I can testify that I thought that, too, and then a few years later I was sexually abused.

Most importantly, be selfish! If someone is refusing your right to consent, or is taking you into danger, protect your saftey. To hell with if they get arrested, won’t be your friend, or won’t talk to you ever again. Your personal safety comes first. If they don’t care about you, you shouldn’t care if they’re arrested.

LARP: The Gathering

By Jordis Tyra Nightblade

Live Action Role Playing, or LARP, moves the game from your tabletop to the outside world. While some are content to act out the story with minimal props and dialogue, others enjoy immersing themselves as fully as possible. In this introductory adventure, Jordis escorts us to the world of Avalon.

On the morning of August 11th, we embarked on a journey to Middle River to attend Avalon Gathering Five. We arrived at eleven A.M. and began to set up our tents and gear for the weekend. After that, we put on our personalities for the weekend. I dressed in a white skirt and top with gold embroidery and topped it all off with a red pouch belt and cloak. Once I stepped out of the tent, I was in the Mists of Avalon as a gem known as Jewl.

The ceremony to open the gates and welcome the participants was held at high noon. Gathered at the central fire pit, we were welcomed by Queen Anne and King Paul.

From peasants to the higher rank of court princes and princess, everyone around me was dressed in garb. We had bards and fools, warriors, wizards, and priestesses, and children of all ages.

After a great opening welcome, we gathered in the central square and introduced ourselves. Even though I was one of the newest attendees, I found it much like a family reunion. Everyone was friendly and welcoming.

Soon, I was sitting in a gazebo with the women and children. As we talked about how to construct cloaks, the kids played and made their own crafts nearby. Meanwhile, the men were outside throwing axes and shooting arrows at targets.

At four P.M., I joined a small group to learn about Reiki and how to channel energy into your palm chakras. Our teacher was Anne, who delivered the lesson from her throne in a beautifully-made lavender and white lace dress sewn by her daughter. Her home was wonderful – it had a loft, bedrooms, and a kitchen surrounding an old style wood-burning stove. Around the table, people were making bread for a handfasting the next day.

After Reiki, we had supper made at our own camp and then headed to the gazebo for merriment and drinks. One of our local dukes had been working on his homemade mead all year and had a few different kinds to taste. We started with a traditional recipe – it was bitter, reminiscient of a sharp white wine. The next, he made with champaigne yeast instead of brewers’. I found it more bubbly and pleasant. Strawberry banana was not too bad, but tasted a bit like medicine. The blackberry that followed was and is my favorite – or so I thought, because then he pulled out the ultimate surprise: Raspberry ghost pepper mead (yes, you read that right)! It burned all the way down, and while it had a lovely taste, my body does not like hot items and I did have some heartburn afterwards.

Once we’d all had a few shots of alcohol, we continued to the fires for more merriment and more drinking, though I chose to keep the mead buzz rather than adding to it. The bards sang and the dancers danced into the wee hours of the night, even as we headed to our camps.

The next day, I awakened for breakfast and headed to the stone circle dedication. Beautifully placed by the owners for Pagan rituals (as many of the Avalon attendees hold pagan beliefs), it looked like a miniature version of Stonehenge.

After a brief interlude for the costume contest, won by a very shiny knight for the adults and a lovely three year old princess for the children, we had two handfasting ceremonies, both done according to pagan ways. We were able not only to watch, but participate in the rituals as well. When each set of hands was tied and the couples joined as one, we rang small bells tied to twigs. For myself, it was a very nice experience to learn of another culture’s way of marrage.

We had a wild edibles nature walk, in which we accompanied a survivalist who taught us what plants could be eaten and which could potentially kill you in a survivor situation. My favourite of the plants we tasted was the lemon clover. I could have sat in that spot the rest of the day and eaten every last one. It really tasted like lemon meringue pie. Maybe in a past life, I was a grazing animal.

Saturday evening was bookended by the bardic competitions. A wonderful young girl with a voice like an angel won the children’s competition with her gaelic tune. After that, we moved on to the king’s feast – and what a feast it was! We had all tried our very best to bring traditional items from the era. The owners picked and steamed fresh vegetables from their garden. There were breads, meat, and dessert cakes. However, if you didnt have period items, that was okay, too – so there were also meatballs, of which I am sure I could have eaten the whole container! They were lovely.

After we were as full as pigs on a spit, we heard the adult bards. The winner was the owners’ daughter, Robyn, who regaled us with “Colors of the Wind” from Disney’s Pocahontas. Both the music and the merriment continued back at the fires. My favorite bard is still the young Alex and his poi – normally done with balls of fire, he chose glow sticks for this event, which the kids loved. Once the marshmallows were gone, the mead drunk, the merriment wound down, and a meteor shower fading overhead, we headed once again to our tents.

Rain awakened us on Sunday. We made breakfast and packed up our tents as best we could, then finished the rest of the morning in the gazebo, chatting about our favorite parts of the weekend’s event. Just as we heard the call for the Stag King Challenge, the rain let loose in full.

In the Stag King Challenge, the adult men competed for a chance to be Stag King by completing an obstacle course that was simply genius. First, they would sprint to the stone circle at Blueberry Camp. Only after battling a troll would they be allowed over a bridge and down to the spot where feats of strength awaited. Logs, cinderblocks, and tractor tires were lifted, carried, and stacked. A nearby tent provided bows and arrows for target archery. Even damsels in distress played a part in the game as their knights carried them, through a hail of foam-headed arrows, to the waiting gazebo. Thankfully, none of the damsels came to harm! Meanwhile, the rest of the women amused themselves with henna tattoos, chocolate cherries, and cheering for their beaus.

In the end, the winner was a young knight by the name of Mathos. My own knight came in third place.

Since the rain refused to let up, we said our goodbyes and, with promises to return next year, left the mists of Avalon. I’m glad both I and my children were able to have this experience. It allowed me to step into the times in which I role-play here on ReVo and get a real-life taste of what we do in the chat room. I’m looking forward to Avalon Gathering Six and already wondering what the new theme will be!

Avalon Gathering is held each year, and is only one of the many events hosted at Willow Retreat. They also offer survivor training, a womens’ healing and spiritual retreat, and Reiki training. The owners are wonderful. Feel free to look them up if you are interested in attending Avalon Gathering next year – we’d love to see you!

http://www.avalongathering.com/